Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

I just finished reading a book sent to me by a friend.  Actually, she sent me the entire series (all 14 books) because they have great meaning to her.   The stories helped her in her spiritual quest and she had told me how much she enjoyed reading them.  I was enthusiastic in encouraging her to keep reading stories that gave her strength and a sense of self. I was surprised to get the package as I didn't expect any result from my endorsement.  I like to see what speaks to loved ones, so I read the first book.  I tried to get into it, but I felt discomfited.  I kept questioning myself because it wasn't holding my interest the way some books do.  I found myself arguing with story points in my mind. The series follows a family of witches and various clans of witches.  I don't want to dismiss anything that means that much to someone I love, so I examined what specific things in the book raised questions in my mind.  I knew I didn't ...

Today, I want to talk about giving up prescription thinking.  You know what prescription thinking is, right?  You go to a doctor with symptom A and you are X age with Y family history (genetics), the doctor will prescribe B.  Sometimes it doesn't work at all or gives you other problems because you don't fit in the textbook diagnosis checklist.  I had that happen to me a couple of years ago.  I went to the doctor because I had a pain in my right abdomen.  My appendix was removed 40 years ago so it wasn't an appendicitis attack.  The doctor, whom I was seeing for the first time, took one look at my age and family history and decided it was my right ovary.  She sent me for an ultrasound (not bothering to inform me that it might require a trans-vaginal ultrasound).   I tried to explain that I was already past menopause and I didn't think that was the problem as I have had my share of ovarian pain.  I was dismissed.  Severa...

Two years ago I was living a different life.  I had friends and an active social life—parties, dinners, gatherings, game nights, theater, and lunches.  I was teaching a film and culture class to middle school aged children and loved it.  I was active in a jigsaw puzzle exchange and Democratic party politics.  I was having planning meetings about the coming 2012 election.  I was living in my dream house.  I was part of a group that met regularly to discuss our dreams, fears, obstacles, and help each other strategize about our lives.  I was living in a small community that had been home for 26 years.  I knew who I was.  I was settled and set. The last 2 years have been almost constant change.  Every time I get used to something being a certain way, it changes.  I live in a city.  I live in an apartment.  I don't really have much of a social life.  I am not active in politics. I am part of a movie club that I am hel...

POTSHOTS Taking potshots, To make you dance. Never giving you a moment to rest Always, keeping at you Don’t relax Can’t relax. Don’t you dare enjoy your life, While I’m not enjoying mine. I’m too mad, Too scared, I don’t know what to do. I shoot, you dance I cry inside, and snarl outside Like a dog chasing it’s tail And never getting where I want to go. Speaking of potshots, I saw "August, Osage County" the other day. It was an authentic picture of dysfunctional family dynamics and addiction.   Having grown up in a house with many of the same behaviors, I could really identify.  I saw some new reasons for actions in the past.  When you are living the situation, it is almost impossible to do more than just survive.  As a child, I certainly had no tools or means of getting perspective or gaining understanding of motivations, pain, experience, rage, and fear.  I knew what I felt and I decided what I thought everyone e...

I feel like my spiritual well is very shallow right now.  I have been spending an inordinate amount of time navel-gazing and I don't like what I see.   And what I see is judgment.  I realized I had a soundtrack of carping, complaining, and disapproval going on, whatever else I was doing or saying or thinking, there was a background noise of judgment.  I kept feeling more and more depressed and hopeless.   My life seemed an endless round of errands, household tasks, business tasks, physical therapy coupled with aches and pains.  Trapped in my own small world.  Finally, I saw that the judgment was all stemming from fear.  I was letting fear control me and run my every waking moment.  Probably some of my sleeping ones too.  In fact, I am sure of it.  My dreams have not been fun. So, what way to jump when I don't like where I am?  Therein lies the problem.  I don't know.  I am in that place where I ...

I am getting ready to go to a jigsaw puzzle exchange this morning.  I love doing jigsaw puzzles.  I find them very absorbing and relaxing. I am able to completely let go of worries and give my busy brain a break when I am working on a puzzle.  I like thinking about the shapes and colors and how they fit together.  I like looking at the particulars of a piece and seeing how it might fit in a spot.  I am not particularly spatial so it is a good mental exercise for me and fun to boot.  I love when a picture starts to make sense, when it goes from just being a bunch of pieces to looking like something recognizable.  When it moves from bits and pieces to a whole picture.  I get frustrated when the pieces are too small to hold, or they don't stay together well, or even worse, when they are all exactly the same and one piece can fit in more than one place, but not vice versa.  Subtle tiny differences.  I have to wear glasses so I don't...