Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

A recurring phrase of “it’s not fair” screeches through my mind much too often.  It is progress that I am not saying it aloud less and less.  Still, the fact that I keep thinking it, I keep believing it when it doesn't inform my life today.  With growth, perspective and paths change.  I am looking for ways to align my current state and my beliefs (stated and affirmed mentally).  While musing about the idea of fairness, I realized the depth of my commitment to said idea.  I constantly try to make things even, to the point of obsession.  I look for evenness, a leveling of effort, appearance, anything on the left, must even on the right.  I have even struggled with physical therapy because it addresses specific problems on one side of my body.  Emotionally I want to do the exercises on both sides even though that is not what will help.  And the reason I need to do exercises on one side is because things are not even.  They are...

Today is an anniversary for me.  On May 23, 1974 I graduated from High School.  Forty years ago.  I remember how it felt to be 18 and ready to take on the world.  My entire life ambition from 8 to 18 was to graduate and be an adult.  Being a grown up was the epitome of my goal at that point.  I remember thinking how old my parents were.  They were in their 40s.  And here I am almost 60 and wondering how it all passed so fast.  Looking back over 40 years is an awesome task.  I smile remembering some experiences and shake my head over others.  So many people to remember and thank in my heart.  I learned from each one.  There are things I wish had not happened, mistakes I made, and choices I had not made.  Of course there are.  Yet, I cannot honestly say anything I would have been able to do differently.  Not based on the knowledge I had at the time.  Hindsight and gained wisdom always lend a "cou...

For the first time in over 3 years, Dennis and I are talking about taking a vacation.   We want to take a trip somewhere that we would find fun and relaxing.  We picked some dates and made the commitment.  We came up with a budget that we felt we could spend.  Then I started researching for a place to go.  I know the kind of things we enjoy doing.  I know how we have managed our energy and interests on outings before and I thought I had a good plan.  We loved our last vacation when we went to Boston for 5 days in 2011.  We saw the Alcott house, the Mary Baker Eddy library, toured Concord (bookstore, UU church where Revolution planned) and the Gropius House.   It was eclectic, quirky, some planned and some not and we had a great time. Other things we have enjoyed doing together have been things we stumbled across like touring Old Town, and the Sheriff’s museum in San Diego (and staying in a charming place called the Padre Inn),...

Standing up for myself has been a key element in my growth.  I need to be able to state my truth, my needs, and my boundaries.  The thing is it doesn't end there.  When I am not being heard, when the other party is not listening to me, I need and I want to be willing to say – bye, I'm off to find someone who will listen to me. I had a terrible experience with my colonoscopy last week.  I had misgivings before I went.  Not getting return calls, incomplete instructions.  I had been completely honest and aboveboard about my condition and specific abnormalities. I spoke up.   I said what needed to be said.  I was asking for help and still, I was dismissed.  When I got there – well, I was told I had not done what was required and had not followed instructions – I had and some of the instructions they said I did not follow, I didn't even receive.   I have bruises all over my arms from attempted needle insertion.  I feel sor...

One thing that doctor’s teach you when you suffer from migraines or any chronic pain is to take medicine as soon as you start to feel pain.  Don’t wait until it gets unbearable.  And I have learned that lesson well – after years of resistance. I used to wait until I could barely stand the pain and then took the strongest pain reliever.  In the last few years I have finally understood the process and started taking gentler pain relievers like aspirin or ibuprofen as soon as pain started in order to avoid getting the migraine.  It has really worked well.  Now, I see by doing that, I have been masking the levels of pain I was experiencing and I know that pain is the body’s way of telling us we need to address something.  I had no idea that my back was hurting so much.  I had no idea that my neck hurt so much.  I didn’t know how disrupted my sleep was by pain.  I have not been sleeping much in the last week.  It doesn't mean that it w...

My credo in life is that our lives reflect our beliefs.  I also believe that we are powerful creative beings and our conviction and deep emotion create reality.  I had an interesting example of that this morning. First, I did not sleep well (again!) and was not in a great mood (this is also not unusual as I am not a morning person).  In fact, I was in a terrible mood and running behind schedule.  As I was getting fruit out of the fridge this morning, I was saying to my husband that I really wanted and needed to clean the refrigerator  and I was planning to do so this coming weekend.  I closed the door and heard something topple.  We opened the door to iced tea everywhere including the vegetable and meat drawers. So, exactly as I deeply wanted, I got a chance to clean the refrigerator, just not on my timeline.  Instead of this weekend, I got to clean the refrigerator this morning – before coffee, before breakfast, really before waking up....

"It doesn't matter", "Whatever", "I don't care", "It's all right, I don't mind"....RESIGNATION.  I have spent much of my life living in a state of resignation.  It was the theme of my early years and I haven't fully shaken it yet.  As a child, what else could I do but stick to my image of my spine of steel and bear on--keep on--don't give up, ever.   I survived and I have eradicated some of the belief echoes of those years.  What I didn't see clearly was that in order to not give up, I learned to give in.  It was prudent to go along in order to remain a passive target. I was taught early and often that you only fought for something if it really mattered .  I can hear my father's voice in my head right now asking "Does it really matter to you?" before he would fight for something I wanted.   I conflated acceptance and resignation.  I believed that I had to resign myself to some things in order to get ...