Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

I am having an identity crisis.   I hate my hairstyle and I cannot figure out what to change about it.   It is uneven and unsightly and growing out in strange twirls and spurts.   That's not really the problem though, it's the inability to settle on a change, heck to even decide on what I want to change, and do it.   For me, as many women, my hairstyle is an expression of my personality.   It tells the world something about me, something I want to say about myself and my lifestyle.   My hair has to be easy to fix, not a lot of product or prep time.   It is fine so no elaborate styles.   And most of all I need some blonde.   I feel better when I have some blonde in my hair.   I feel more like me.   Right now, my hair doesn't feel like me and I am not sure what will reflect my current state of mind.   I do know that the unwillingness to make a commitment is part of the problem.   I am not sure what my lifestyle ...

I self-describe as "not a morning person” and those around me in the morning will confirm.   I accept my levels of energy are usually not in keeping with the norm.   It's part of my charm.   But to those who have to deal with me first thing in the morning, charm doesn't enter the picture. To them, it might seem as though I have one mode in the morning.   Really, I have an entire range of morning emotions – crabby, tense, grouchy, groggy, overtired, sleepy, sluggish, hurting, resentful, fearful, happy, excited, irritated, --and that’s just off the top of my head.   Crabby gets top billing because it is the most vocal mode.    I like to vent about things and when I wake up feeling out of sorts and tired, I complain, loudly.   I feel better when I express how I feel and especially if I get validation for it.   The validation can be the equivalent of a condescending 'yes dear', and that's fine.   I was heard.   A little pat...

We treat murder as something heinous, yet celebrate violence as something sacred.   Our actions do not match our words.   We love heroes with big guns, action movies, stand your ground laws, war, the Second Amendment, football, hockey, boxing, all sorts of violence.    We have strict laws about censorship on television regarding sex, but almost none for violence and gore.   That very glorifying of violence and might leads to judgment of the victims of said violence.   We say it is wrong and the most vile and reprehensible of acts to kill another, but to abuse, beat, burn, scare, chase, harass, assault, rape, torture, belittle, degrade and devalue another are all an accepted and expected part of life.   We judge when someone who experienced that sort of daily abuse when they respond to events in life with the exact conditioning they have learned for years.   The conditioning they have learned from us, all of us.   That it is part ...

We have been looking for a place to move and finally it became clear to me that every time I moved in the past it was with a clear direction and idea about what my life was going to be.   I knew why I was moving and what I was moving to.   For instance, when I moved from Tonya's house where I was renting a room to my own apartment it was because I was ready to stand on my own two feet.   I wanted to have my own life and be responsible for myself.    The apartment was a clear indicator of the direction my life was taking.   I graduated college and I was ready to have my own place as a professional working woman.   When we moved from 1021 to 408 it was because we needed more space and we each needed a home office as we each had our own business and work.   We had been sharing an office and it was not conducive to productivity.   So we needed 3 bedrooms to have 2 offices.    It was perfect and let us make the changes in ou...

Sometimes it feels as if my brain is some giant Simon Legree cracking a whip on me constantly to do more, get it done, do it now, do it right, keep moving, keep working,…..    On and on with no end in sight.   I have a to-do list and I have a schedule and things I want to do and things I feel I need to do.   Notice the subtle distinction there, things I FEEL I need to do versus things I need to do.   Because in reality, I am the only one setting the agenda.   No one outside of me can ever force me to do anything on their timetable.   That doesn't mean it would work out the way I want, choices have consequences.   But there are always choices.   I can choose to not pay my bills on time.   The consequence to that might be fines and penalties or even loss of services.   It is still a choice I can make.   I can choose to work very hard at my computer all day long completing one task after another.   And the consequenc...

Comfort - never underestimate how important it is to feel comfortable. Comfortable in your own skin, comfortable in your physical environment, comfortable with what you are doing, and what you are wearing.     And most of all comfortable with who you are.   When we are uncomfortable we cannot be fully engaged and present in life.   There is always some part of the brain that is occupied with thinking how to change the situation, physical layout, temperature, looks, tasks, people, anything that will make us more comfortable.   And I cannot stress enough how important it is to own whatever makes you uncomfortable.   For instance, I have to be able to see the exit in a room.   A door, a window, something.   If I am in a room that has no egress or only one and I have my back to it, I am uncomfortable.   I could give you a list of reasons why I have this phobia, but the truth is that doesn't matter.   What matters is that I honor...

I had a very out and about sort of week last week--filled with interactions, trips, new places, new faces, and new situations.   An avalanche of stimuli to an introvert like me.   And because the week was so busy there were still errands that needed to be done on Saturday.   Seemingly simple things to the eye, but for me, a dreaded challenge.   I started dreading them when I got home on Friday night and kept feeling that way all night long.    I kept dashing around in my mind like a squirrel looking for some way to get out of doing the 3 errands.   And at the same time I was consumed with guilt that I didn't want to do them.   The result of all this sleepless anxiety – a headache.   The headache somehow made it easier (more acceptable in my mind?) to tell my husband in the morning that I didn't want to do the errands and ask him if there was any way he could do them alone.    He wad delighted.   No, not just be...

When I look in the mirror some things will jump out at me - a wrinkle, a twinkle, a good hair day, how my earrings don't quite match my shirt.   I notice some things and other things I don't even see or at least not consciously.   They don't register. If something I notice really bothers me to the point that I try to hide it or point it out to others - that's a problem.   So too in my relationships.   What I realize is that there is a mirror in front of me each hour of each day when I encounter other people.   When I have a conversation with a friend, listen to someone share, interact with a stranger - things jump out at me -something someone said or an action taken that struck a chord.   Sometimes it is something that is so nice or sweet that I feel touched or sometimes I feel irritated or superior.   That is precisely when I really need to pay attention, because that means I am looking in a mirror.   Whatever the person said...

We Do What We Do Sitter, peacemaker, cashier and fast food clerk, Waitress, bartender and grand opening girl. Cleaning lady, secretary, teacher, and wife, Assistant, administrative and otherwise; Up to acting director and project manager. All the female roles, All the aiding and facilitating Using my organizing genius, taking care, making sure It is all done on time and accurately, Progression, progress, maybe so. Maybe it is just more of the same.

I love stories. I love stories on television, in books, in movies, on the web, in blogs, around a campfire. I love the narrative, the development of character, and I am especially attracted to mysteries and natural disaster stories. I started thinking about that this week. Why those in particular? The answers astounded me and made me chuckle. I love mysteries because I want to know why and how. I want to understand and make sense of the world. Mysteries have resolutions and answers. And the protagonists have character traits I admire like determination, not giving up, trusting their intuition, their professionalism and not letting personal feelings interfere with finding the truth. Most of them are flawed and have suffered some kind of childhood trauma. They are strong, smart, and loyal. And most often, they follow some sort of personal code of honor. When I look at that list, I see me. It is pretty clear now, but I didn't think about it before. I thought about how muc...

I have been feeling very tense and anxious. Looking for a reason for all this flurry of nerve activity. Life is as life is. I have even been chastising myself for the anxiety. And let me tell you that does nothing to calm me down. I keep trying to find a "good" reason for how I felt. Instead of just accepting how I feel. Accepting tension, free-floating anxiety, nervousness, as a state, is difficult for me. I have the illusion that if I can assign a logical reason for the state of my mind, it will make it easier to bear. It does nothing but add an extra layer of tension. The end result - I can increase the anxiety by being anxious about not having an explanation for my behavior. If it wasn't so detrimental, it would be amusing. There are actual reasons for my nerves, but they are irrelevant since I know that all peace comes from within, comes from acceptance, comes from letting go. And, because I know that anxiety is really about a deep belief in lack. The on...

It has been weeks since I posted a blog. I feel like I am the greyhound chasing the electronic rabbit. I cannot catch up. There have been times in my life when I felt unable to "get it all done" or felt overwhelmed. This is different. It is more elusive. I feel like I almost have a handle on things, like I am making incremental progress, but I am not quite close enough. There is always more. When I look back over the last month and how many activities and events I have attended, volunteer work, community activism, meeting new people, trying to find a place to live, filling out applications, viewing properties, visiting with friends, attending meetings and in between doing my work - well, there hasn't been much time left for writing my thoughts and feelings. Although, I will admit that it would behoove me to make that the top of my list instead of the end of it. And that I am the only one who can make that choice. Like right now, I have to be ready to leave th...