Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

Time for my annual physical.  I am anxious.  I guess it is the holdover of physicians as "authority" figures in my life.  Doctors were in that category of people you must obey.  When I was growing up no one questioned doctors, police, ministers, or teachers.  They were in charge and you did what they said even if you didn't know why you were supposed to do it or it did not feel right. I have learned to question doctors as well as other authority figures.  I do my own thinking and, when it comes to health care, my own deciding.  I research as much as I can, check in with my own intuition and my knowledge of my own body and then I follow a course of action or treatment.   This works best when I can partner with a doctor who respects the autonomy of my body and my decisions.  Unfortunately, due to the ACA and private insurers being my only option, I have had to change insurance companies three times in the last three years which ha...

I feel harborsick.  I am not homesick because I don't really feel a sense of home anywhere.  I read books about people who are so comfortable and familiar in their towns, homes, work, and relationships and I don't feel that right now.  I do feel that there are familiar harbors – people and places that I feel comfortable and "at home" with.   But, I don't have a spot I long to put anchor.  There is not a place I belong . I want to claim my familiar harbor.   A feeling of belonging and purpose and where I know I am always welcome and I can be completely comfortable and myself.  I want to feel there is a place I can return to and feel I fit.  A port where everyone speaks my language.  A Cheers vibe if you will. I was talking to my sister this morning and she brought up some ancestral ties to other countries and where we would like to visit.  There are a few countries I would like to visit.  Italy, especially, has al...

Lost in Green Lost in green leaves wet with dew muffled sounds masked in stillness. Lush foliage Grass viridescent and soft Breeze twittering through the trees, Forest sounds and smells Pervading in peace Lost in green. I was feeling this way today looking at the world outside my windown in my back yard.  The trees and grass and everywhere in my view is green, green, green.  I feel as though I am in a forest because all I can see is treetops with the occasional swooping blue jay.  It is spring.  It is the week after a heavy rain and it is beautiful.  I always feel comforted by trees.  As a child, I climbed trees and read books up there and I always felt safe in the trees.   I could be alone, quiet, and lost in whatever world my stories could spin.    I don't climb trees anymore.  I love living where I can look out and feel as though I am sitting up on that high branch looking around at the leaves ...

I have always admired fictional characters and historical figures of strength and courage.  I devoured biographies about people like Queen Elizabeth I, Harry Truman, and Joan of Arc as a child.  I still read novels with central characters showing those qualities.  I have recently come to see that I am also drawn to characters who show the qualities of acceptance, patience, wisdom, self-trust, and practicality.  Does that mean that I have any of these qualities?  Or does it mean I want them? I believe it means both.  I have come to see that I have courage and strength.  I am still here and still trudging the road.  I know that my life may not look like it takes courage to face, but there are challenges every day that take a straightening of shoulders, a deep breath and forging on.  I think the trials of the last 4 years have brought new life to my willingness and ability to be brave.  I also believe I have learned to be more ...

I know, intellectually, that movement, stretching, an exercise regimen will make my life better on every level.  I want to be healthier.  Yet, my ingrained habit is to detest exercise, to dread it and to look at the difficulty instead of the benefit.  It seems out of reach emotionally and spiritually. So I don't do it.  Or I go through so much agony trying to figure out what to do, when, how and the effort seems overwhelming.  Why am I doing this to me?  When it comes to challenges I can apply my willingness, my questioning mind to "why not try it".  When I have difficult tasks to do I can do just one minute.  Do just two minutes.  Do 5 minutes, ten minutes.  It always works and then I usually can get into the job.  Even when I am only able to get through the 10 minutes I make progress.  The thing is I make so many things hard for myself.  Harder than they need to seem and harder than they actually are.  I ...