Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

This has been a year of discovery my inner blogger.   I have posted 118 blogs this year since March 4.   I have opened myself and my life to the public and to my friends in new ways.   I feel as though I have emerged from hiding. My initial challenge was in getting past the critical voice.   There is a creative voice and a critical voice fighting inside every writer, in fact in every person trying to do something creative.   I would get so caught up in trying to make whatever I wrote come out to the perfect number of words, use correct grammar, and get exactly the right words that I was unable to produce anything.   I had pages and pages of ideas.   Finally, I decided to just start posting things without regard for editing.   Just get it out.   Get the creative process going and start to feel more comfortable with it and then tidy things up.   It has been unnerving, exciting, and freeing.   When I started I only tol...

I was thinking today about books I have read this year that have had an impact on how I live my life.   The first that comes to mind is The Introvert's Way by Sophia Dembling.   It is an amazing book and I have treasured reading it this year. As an introvert I have always known that I need time alone and quiet to refresh and rejuvenate myself.   I need to process and reflect.   I have believed that the only thing that was keeping me down was others and that is not so.   I also listened to the world tell me that introversion and shyness are the same thing when they are not.   Our society looks on extroversion as "normal" and introversion as less than.   After reading Sophia Dembling's book, I fee free and validated that introversion is a different kind of normal, not better or worse, just different.   I hear people every day criticizing themselves for being shy and for not being as socially comfortable or versed as they believe th...

L et's open a discussion about people-pleasing.  Icy Bow Smiling like ice on the thin side. Bowing and scraping The floor with my nose, I slip through the ice.

Okay, here's a metaphor for you.   Think of people as trees. Think of how a tree grows and where.   Think of yourself as a tree. A tree could be planned and planted with care and consideration by experienced gardeners.   They could have picked the perfect seed and soil and location and time.   Or a squirrel could have missed a nut and a tree grew.   Perhaps a seed was tossed aside casually with no thought of what might grow.   However the seed was planted, you took root, you grew.   Was the soil rich and filled with nutrients or was it dry and dusty?   Maybe you were planted in clay or next to concrete so you had to push your way through to the sunshine.   Climate, temperature, soil, and attention all affected your growth.   We've all seen trees that grow at impossible angles or are scarred from lightening or devastation.   And we all see how trees just keep on coming back, year after year.   Stolid and adaptab...

I awakened at 4 am with a pounding headache.   I took some aspirin, rubbed my neck, took a hot shower, and tried to go back to sleep.   The pain wasn't gone, but in one position it was lessened enough to let me sleep.   The only problem was when my head hurt less my neck hurt more.   As often happens at times when I cannot get comfortable, I remembered something a friend of mine used to always say, "Life is full of little trade offs."    I tried to shun the thought because I want to believe that I don't have to make trade offs, that I can have everything I want.   For some reason I have always equated the idea of trade offs in my life with having to give something up – like I can be happy or I can be rich.   Suddenly I saw it in a new way.   Everything in front of me at any given time is not perfect and even if it was, I cannot do or have it all at once.   That is simply a fact.   That means it is not a trade off; i...

I read the following sentence this morning while paging through a periodical. I closed the book of complaints on the management of the universe.   It stopped me like the yank of a seat belt when slamming on the brakes.   Oww!   Stop complaining about institutions, corporations, the traffic, the weather, long lines, homelessness, poverty, the war on women…      My book of complaints is long and tedious.   There are complaints that started years ago and I have been repeating with each new day.   Some are common refrains and some are particular to me.    The point of view is always the same.    It is a concentrated focus on what is wrong with this picture.   I consciously venture into positive space at least once a day and look at what is right and good.   Yet, old habits are hard to break and it is easy to fall back. On looking over the book, I see that most of the complaints are completely out of ...

I got a notice from Opera.   Myopera is ending all services as of March 2014.   I have used that email account, blog, friends, photos, and community for years, almost since it's inception in 2001.   I found it easy to use and learn. It was my introduction to social media.   I have used myopera email much as others use Yahoo or Gmail-to access my email wherever I have an internet connection.    I liked it because I could arrange my inboxes and filters and the searches were easy. It was a breeze to add email addresses and very clean format.    I must confess, although I have a couple of Gmail addresses and use them, I find it hard to search or find emails in Gmail, impossible to add other email accounts and I cannot arrange my inboxes the way I want.   I am sad.   I understand why they are doing it.   With Gmail and Yahoo, there really cannot be much of a demand for myopera email.   Facebook took over the social media a...

The Christmas journey for 2013 is nearly over and the Austin Melissa journey is ongoing.   I have come to see how intertwined all the decisions are in my life.   The changes in my life from last December to this December are all part of the process.   My conflict about how to celebrate Christmas this year was just a part of the puzzle.    After much deliberation I knew that for me this year it was going to be about sharing myself and connecting with people that I have been out-of-touch with for months (see Conscious Choice Christmas, December 11, 2013).   I did put a tree up and I did go shopping with my darling husband.   We even bought a few presents for each other together.   It was relaxed and fun.   We went to places we had never been and just looked around with no thought of having to buy something and we each ended up finding something we wanted. Other than that, no cards, no gifts, no caroling, no looking at lights, no bi...

Destino A wordsmith crafting a scene, Weaving stories and poems. Unique perspective, clear for a moment, In a whirlpool of pure emotion. Deeply hidden, perhaps unknown till then. New life springs forth A briefly flashing feeling, Burning brightly; A glow lasting into infinity, Yet ever fresh Through new eyes and new hearts.

Last night I had a dream journey with my Grandmother.   In my dream, I was in a town filled with people I knew.   I was going from place to place and people kept telling me I had a message.   Suddenly, I was somewhere with a friend and I got a call and it was my Grandmother.   Now, my grandmother died over 3 years ago and I knew this in the dream.   I kept trying to carry on the conversation with my friend at the same time as I was talking to my Gram.   She told me that I was going to be okay and that everything would be alright.   I was excited by the call.   I started going up to groups of people I knew and telling them that my dead grandmother had called me and no one believed me. Finally, I entered a restaurant and there sat my best friend who has known me many years.   I went up to her and hugged her and told her about the call.   I felt believed and heard.   I burst into tears.   And then we were at a table f...

Just recently we had an out-of-town visitor stay with us for several days.   She was "on vacation" and, as the days filled, I was struck by how different our concepts of being on vacation were.   At first I thought it was tied to what we, as individuals, were trying to achieve or how we recharged, but it is so much more than that.   I could see that for many people, our visitor included, what she gets from vacations is being lifted out of the everyday.   She gets to meet new people, see new sights, go off the diet and exercise routine, have new experiences and adventures.   For people who have a pretty solid direction and pattern in their lives, I can see how the dynamics work.   Most people in our society have set work hours and look forward to their "time off" to enjoy life.   If you have lived in the same place, do the same things, and have had the same job for a long time, then vacations are a chance for change, excitement, growth opportun...

I have been thinking about Christmas and what it means to me.   I don't mean in a religious sense or even historical.    I am talking about what it means to me personally.   We are always hearing people say, "focus on the reason for the season".   I am examining what that represents to me.   I am thinking of all the various ways that I see people celebrate this holiday with family, gift giving, church, help to the needy, generosity, joy, light, decorations, gathering, social activity, or connection with those dear to our hearts and I am trying to pick apart what my feelings are surrounding this season.   I am not certain.    Gift giving, for instance, is fraught with dangling emotions.    There have been times in my life when it was all about proving my love.   There have been times when it was all about stress and financial strain.   There have been times of joy and generosity when I was delighted to give and...

Don't buy a dryer online.   Seriously, I thought this was a good idea.   You know, to save time and energy instead of going to the store in all the holiday traffic.   That I made this decision in the already infamous month of bad decisions and costly mistakes, should have been my first warning.   Instead, I thought I broke the streak of regrettable choices.   Not!   Now, I am here with a dryer that doesn't dry and not even a buzzer to tell you it's done not drying.   It only works on high heat and then I have to run everything through twice.   We are talking small to medium loads.   Should it take 40 minutes to dry 2 pairs of jeans on high heat?   I do not think so.   Bad dryer.   It is going back and I have gone to the store and picked the perfect replacement.   It will be wonderful – it just won't be here for another 10 days.   That is the pick up and delivery schedule and, since I don't have any other ...

Family.   A small but loaded word.   Thanksgiving is just past and many of us had a family experience over the holiday.   A family get together can be a land mine of emotion, anticipation, anxiety, and obligation.   If you wondered why shoppers by the millions rushed out to the stores on Thanksgiving instead of waiting one more day.   Family might be the reason.   Not because there is not love or caring, but because it is fraught with discomfort.   You see people at the holidays that you have the barest of communication with throughout the year.   The idea that blood binds you together is deep in our psyche.   Yet, I know many people who dread that family get together and the attending arguments, expectations, uncomfortable silences, massive amounts of preparation and inevitable letdown.      You are related, there is a blood connection and sometimes a heart connection.   Often there is not.   Increas...

I'm still here and ideas for blogs are churning through my brain.  More to come......

Change.   The immediate reaction to coming change is a clenching of muscles.    The trepidation, fear, or anxiety is not really about the idea of change as the uncertainty of change.   It is the lack of a direction. Many of us want to change something in our life.   We aren't happy with our hairstyle, job, car, home, or we want to stop smoking.   That is a clear "from".   We know what we don't like but not always want we would like instead.   It is only when we become clear about what we want to change "to" that contemplating change loses the ability to unnerve us.   We know what we don't want and fear the unknown.   We imagine the worst.   What if the new job is more boring or the new car is a lemon?   And it keeps us paralyzed.   We cannot make the change because we cannot visualize the new.   I find it helps me to imagine how I want to feel when I have the new whatever instead of just how I wa...

Forgiveness is vital to healing, growth and expanding creativity.   I know this.   I have worked for years on forgiving people, institutions, and animals in my life.   I have attended workshops, written and talked about it, prayed about it, and addressed forgiveness in therapy.   I know what a huge difference it has made in my life to let go, let go, let go. The most challenging part of the process was to forgive myself for my all my mistaken judgments and their resulting actions.   It has been worth it.   I have seen the changes in how I respond to the world.   I more easily forgive others, I understand other points of view, I don't take every action personally.   Yet, I find myself in a situation right now where old actions and choices that I thought long surrendered, have been biting me in the butt.   I have been believing with all my heart that I had done the work on forgiving myself and then bang! I have a friend that is...

I spent yesterday morning scouring the internet for fun musical events that I could take my cousin to when she comes to visit Thanksgiving weekend.   It is always interesting to look into a world you don't inhabit.   Since we rarely go out and even more rarely to any kind of club, it was a rabbit hole experience. We tend to be daytime visitors – museums, libraries, exhibits, festivals, shows, movies, dinner out…that sort of thing.   Even live music is something we tend to go to the early show to see.   It would be easy to say it is about age, but that would not be true.   I love having people over to the house to chat, play games, listen to music, and enjoy each other's company.   That would be my preferred evening entertainment any time.   It is more comfortable to be with people I know and love.   Visiting new places, meeting new people, anything different stimulates my mind and makes it hard for me to rest.   That's why I don'...

This week I went to my doctor for medicine refills and a check in.   I had been in April for my annual physical but forgotten to ask for a particular medicine I was almost out of and the policy is you must go for an appointment to get a refill.   My doctor is a 2 hour drive away, one way.   I have been seeing her for years and I really trust her.   I feel like she cares and I know she listens.   She has always been very conscious of my lack of insurance and out-of-pocket pay.   For instance, any time I needed tests or medication, she would explain all the options, costs, and reasons.   We always addressed my health as a team.   When I moved I didn't change doctors because of the Affordable Care Act.   We moved in 2012 and I knew I was going to get insurance (for the first time in 20 years) and I didn't want to have to change doctors twice.   I have a pre-existing condition so it was not an option until the ACA.   Now he...

Election Day 2013 is over.   The media in the past 8 months has spewed a torrent of information, speculations and opinion.   Every poll, every sound bite or news bit that might have an effect has been reported, dissected and belabored.   Much of the focus has been on a few races, mostly because they have "national consequences".   In New Jersey, Chris Christie has been reelected Governor to no one's surprise.    And in Virginia Terry McAuliffe won, to mingled relief and surprise.   Now we can relax and take a breath, right?   Perhaps the news will report on what changes could come in those states as a result of the election.   That would make sense and give us useful information.   So, how did cable news, newspapers, and mainstream media cover the election results?   By focusing on what it means for the 2016 Presidential election, of course.   It is not just the news media.   It is a pervasive societal ill. ...

When I was a child, November was my favorite month.   I loved the grey skies and would spend hours looking out the window at the clouds.   My heart resonated with the peace and reflective nature of the change in season. I always thought it was about the grey, but I have figured out it was being able to see the sky.   I lived where there were many tall trees, hills and mountains and the skies were hard to see.   When I looked out the windows in spring and summer all I could see were trees.   In winter the skies were generally dark and forbidding.   But November was different.   It was the first month that all the leaves would be gone and the trees were bare.   In November, the skies weren't dark, but a light and gentle grey.   I felt more like I could breathe when I could see the sky.   The tall trees and hilly landscape of my youth continue to call to me for their beauty, but I think I am in the flatlands for a reason. ...

Many of us have experienced the death of a family member.   In the throes of bitterness, grief, sorrow, anger, regret, relief, and pain that crop up, it is hard to determine what you might want as a tangible reminder of your loved one.   Sometimes everything is laid out ahead of time.   But more often than not, especially when someone dies unexpectedly, nothing has been decided or discussed.   We attach great import to the heirlooms we inherit.   In our culture, we aren't accustomed to dealing with death in a healthy manner.   We are an extroverted culture, therefore outwardly focused.   Processing and reflecting on feelings is not natural to us, so feelings of grief and sorrow often get buried under bitterness, rivalry, anger, and selfishness.   In the case of a death, whomever controls the possessions of your loved one gets to decide who gets what so you may not get a choice.   Sometimes you are given a choice and don't know wha...

Sadness engulfed, Heartbreak Hardship, Women suffer; Desperate Afraid, No recourse. Brief reprieve, Bullies win. Help outlawed Hope reft. Women suffer; Despair Pain, Stark lines. Theocratic rule Control Impose, Thousands trapped. Choice gone.