Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

        HUMPTY'S PAL I know how Humpty felt, All broken and no one can fix you. We survivors are all like that Except no one can see that we are broken. So no one, tries to help. We are beaten, raped, shamed, and ignored; And no one notices as we crumble before them. Can't anyone tell I'm in fragments,         loosely held, terribly fragile, Condemned to always be someone else,         not quite whole, I am in pieces, for life.

I take great pleasure in asking questions.   I delight in my curiosity.   I experience it every day.   I am grateful for this delicious part of my personality.   I love to understand the how, why, what, and wherefore of a situation or problem. Questions are integral to my process.   They come naturally to my mind.    I see how they can help me and others function and progress in our world.   I love learning. When someone asks me a question and I don't have a ready answer, I become anxious.   I berate myself for not knowing.   Until this morning I did not see this paradox in my attitude.   I am always willing to ask questions because I don't understand, yet expect that I should always have an answer when someone asks me a question. If I truly already had ALL the answers, I could not and would not relish asking questions.    I would be a walking encyclopedia—a repository of information, but I would have no new v...

Sometimes I will see a person dressed in a cool outfit looking smart and confident and it somehow gives me a lift and a feeling of confidence about the future.   The person might not even see me, yet they had an effect on my life.   And in turn, my feeling of confidence or hope could spread to someone I talk to or interact with later that day.   The myriad of decisions I make and actions I take each day may appear to impact only me, but truly I have no idea the ripple effect my life has on other lives.   And that is true for each of us.   I am not trying to make a case for grandiosity or ego-centric thinking.   I am talking self worth here.   How I feel about myself and what I think of myself and my footprint in the world matters.   Do I believe I lift right out of the picture or that I make a difference?   It is easy to fall into a pit of self doubt and self-pity.   That kind of thinking is infectious and it is self-ful...

I had a very rough day yesterday.   Well, truth be told I had a very rough week.   I, through working with someone about the feeling of lack in my life and lack of meaning in my life, realized that my unhappiness was stemming in part from not feeling like I had a way to use my skills, talents, and gifts to fill my soul, to fill my purpose.   a tool we devised to help me focus on what I wanted was to write down at the end of the day what things I had done that were soul-filling activities.     I had trouble at the end of the day coming up with anything I did for me, for my spirit self.   At the beginning of the week I (please note the use of I) was determined that I would figure it out.   I would find something.   I would concentrate and note and change.   I would make it all better.   As the week wore on and I struggled more and more with coming up with something anything besides working a puzzle or playing a game or reading a b...

It occurred to me this morning that adults often disappoint other adults by doing what they think is right .   And the reason is free will.   We have the intellect to make our own decisions and each of us has a clear idea of what we believe is best for ourselves and usually for those around us.   So, we end up disappointed or disappointing ourselves and others.   UNLESS, and here's the big chance we all have, unless we are willing to accept that we each have free will and that everyone is entitled to make their own choices.   Because disappointment only happens because one person has an expectation of another person.   And just because someone makes a different choice than I would, doesn't alter any of my choices.   I hold fast to the spiritual principle of choice.   The principle of freedom of choice is the one I feel the most pride in as an American.   In the America I grew up in, I watched freedom of choice played out in every ar...

I think learning is fun and asking questions to understand things is a key part of my personality.   Curiosity is key to being a good investigator and researcher. I want to know about things.   I want to understand how they work.   I need to see the big picture and to see how each piece fits.   When I was a young woman entering the post high school work force, I worked at a factory on the assembly line.   I did not last long.    The routine nature of the task was not the problem.   It was the fact that I never got to see a finished product.   I only saw my small part.   I couldn't feel connected to the company and I didn't understand how what I did contributed.    I wanted to feel part of the system. It seems to me that there are two ways of looking at things and two main personality types, keeping in mind that it is a spectrum.    People who can take something at face value and don't need to see the whys and...

I've been trying something new in my meditation every morning.   I go outside for just a minute or two and look for some sort of message or inspiration about the day.   And then I come back inside and meditate on that message.   It has been very eye-opening.   The first day I saw a squirrel jumping from branch to branch and decided the message was to be playful that day.   All throughout the day whenever I found myself tensing up or getting too depressed or serious, I remembered playful and found a reason to laugh.   I danced, I played a game, I looked online for a joke.   I just allowed myself to smile.   It worked so well I decided to keep doing it.   The next day I saw a bird sitting on the very top of a street lamp and I thought about seeing the big picture.    So, whenever I found myself bogged down in the details of my life, the tasks, the maintenance, the numbers—I thought about the totality of my life.   I r...

My Sidearm I carry a gun A fearsome weapon, Ever at my side Ready to fire. A hairpin trigger Filed for ease, Comfortable grip - perfectly balanced in my hand. My gun is always cocked, And loaded with resentment An automatic weapon Liberally spraying my target With quick and deadly aim. I level my enemy, With criticism and defeat On a daily basis, The smoking gun is in my hand, The mortal wound is in my soul. But like radiation killing cancer, I am only killing me.         COUPLE SKATE Sturdy young legs Flashing, dipping, skimming.... Skating round and round. Laughter and smiles-- Giggles and blushes, Flirting and holding hands. Racing, faster and faster Exuberantly creating illusions, Roller skating together.

I have been immersed in the world of spies the past few weeks.   Reading about them and watching programs about them and their lives.   These are the super spies—the ones who are really very good at their jobs.   The stories explored the reasons why that might be so and agreed most exceptional spies came from dysfunctional, and sometimes deeply abusive, homes.   I found that interesting.   I have spent years detailing the handicaps I have as a result of my childhood.   I had never really thought about the benefits.   For the first time I looked at my life growing up in an abusive alcoholic home and wondered what skills and qualities I picked up from that experience. In my home; rules, conditions, and consequences changed often and rapidly.   Punishment was a constant but erratic and uneven.   I learned to plan carefully and think of all possible consequences before attempting any action.   I use that skill today.   I am...

Ideas and opinions, explanations and arguments swirling around the table.   A lovely lively flow of conversation and pantomime.   Discussing an event at which we all disagreed with the principles, world view, and premises being presented.   So we talked it out and validation emerged.   Validation.   When I feel that my values are shared, they become somehow more meaningful and stronger.    I guess I feel more right! Of course, the real validation is how I act in my own life.   Do I live those values?    Do I exhibit them and how?    It is an easy act to explain my world view and to find confirmation bias in the world for them.   But how do I show them?   I believe in community.   I believe we are all in this together.   I believe individuals have different qualities, skills, and challenges to contribute, and I believe we should all be contributing.   I believe in compassion for those who ma...

How do you handle someone needing an immediate response when a quick response is not in your repertoire? Case in point, I got a call concerning a reference for a job last week.   I had not expected the call.   Now, as I have repeatedly stated, I am not a quick responder.   I am a processor.   I like to think about all aspects of a question and make sure I can say exactly what I mean to say before I say it.   I like to be precise and clear. But, I was asked for information and answered the questions as best I could in the moment.   And then I thought about it for the next 24 hours.   I realized there were things I missed saying and a particular thing I did say that I did not feel was clear. I wasn't sure how to handle it and decided the truth would be best.   I called back and asked if I could provide more information. That was one way to handle it.   It worked out well and I felt comfortable with what I said.   Another w...

I feel as though I have turned a corner.   I don't know where I am headed but I am not where I was.   somewhere ahead lies the open road.

A front is moving in and, much as I affirm otherwise, the weather affects me.   So I got very little sleep due to a vise grip headache leading to a push-through day.    Radiating, throbbing pain now dulled with medicine and caffeine, yet it is not doing the job. The skin on my head feels too tight for my skull and the pain is hovering right behind my eyes.    But here I sit at my desk doing 'the hold your eyebrows up as high as you can and maybe your eyes will stay open while you sway in your chair' dance.   It is a huge strain to stay awake.   I am feeling so sleepy.   The idea of lying my head down on the desk and taking just a little nap is almost irresistible.   I am attempting to be productive in spite of the clear directives from my body.   And I don't want to.   Yet, I don't want to feel guilty that I haven't done what is needed.   Seems the real quandary here is about acceptance.     Truthfull...