Two years ago I was living a different life. I had friends and an active social
life—parties, dinners, gatherings, game nights, theater, and lunches. I was teaching a film and culture class to
middle school aged children and loved it.
I was active in a jigsaw puzzle exchange and Democratic party
politics. I was having planning meetings
about the coming 2012 election. I was
living in my dream house. I was part of
a group that met regularly to discuss our dreams, fears, obstacles, and help each
other strategize about our lives. I was
living in a small community that had been home for 26 years. I knew who I was. I was settled and set.
The last 2 years have been almost constant change. Every time I get used to something being a
certain way, it changes. I live in a
city. I live in an apartment. I don't really have much of a social
life. I am not active in politics. I am
part of a movie club that I am helping with, but it is not filling a desire for
me. I don't know who I am now. I am afraid much of the time. I feel adrift from others. I feel alone.
I have been working very hard to be patient with myself and to know it will
take time and effort to get comfortable in whatever my new life will be.
I spend time getting accustomed to where I live and how I
live and letting go of my old life. I
believe I have done that as much as possible.
And still, every time I think, "okay this is the way this will be",
it changes. Even little things. My
computer monitor breaks, I need a different one. The one we have is a different shape. I start physical therapy and I need to get a
different chair to sit at my desk. I
don't have trees, birds, and a yard. I
have a parking lot and people and cars.
I don't have kids in my life to bring me fresh perspective. I miss my friends. I have been feeling homesick. I don't mean to sound down. I really am not.
There are really good and positive changes taking
place. Just in the last year we stopped
looking for a different place to live.
We accepted this is the place.
Making that decision gave me the gift of time. I started blogging and have been blogging for
a year. I am doing a few social things
and enjoying them. I am trying to get a
puzzle exchange going. I have made a
couple of friends. I am taking care of
my health. I am doing more things that
are fun for me. I saw two movies last
week and loved them.
I am feeling more uncertain than anything. I am not sure what to do with myself and I am
not sure who I am in the same way I was before.
I believe that is a good thing because it brings growth and
self-awareness.
I so get your "tweener" struggle and having to build your life WAY outside of your natural comfort zone. I try to picture myself moving with you to a small town, without the social interaction opportunities of Austin, even returning to Victoria, and I feel a contraction in my consciousness.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your soul journey and I admire how you are looking toward increasing your patience as a way of seeing more there than we can perceive at the moment.