Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

RUNNING Against Time Running against time, Strangled by the clock Tick tock, Tick tock. Wrestling with minutes, Losing years. Pressing harder, moving faster, No time. No time! I said. Exercise is out, joy out, Fun? Who has time? Tick tock, Tick tock. I cannot beat the clock As long as I run weak & scared Before its spinning hands. The clock has me in a stranglehold On me. Tick tock, Tick tock. Except, I am the one keeping time, It is not a clock, it is a stopwatch.

I've been thinking about how my decisions reflect my beliefs.   I profess to certain beliefs, principles, and values.    How do they show up in my practice though?   I profess to value people for their totality.   All the qualities and quirks that make up the personality and the person.   I don't look at people and wonder how much money they have or think they are more important because they have a great deal.   Yet, it seems that is not how I look at me.   When I get stressed or worried trying to make a decision; the ones I wrestle with are the decisions that might cost us money.   I agonize over those.   Interesting.   I can "lose" sex, love, time, energy, sleep, work, fun, learning, help, whatever - but when it comes to money I make it more important.    And the really ironic part is that I actually lose sleep, time, energy and more worrying about those decisions.   I know that at times I easily make a...

When you grow up in a home environment where punishment is harsh and dished out indiscriminately, you learn to expect punishment from everyone.   Every time someone asks you a question, "Where are you from?", your immediate internal response is 'what is the right answer, why do they want to know'.   The simplest tasks and interactions with others take on gargantuan implications.   It took me years to understand why I had irrational responses and clutches of fear in my relationships with others.   I had to learn that punishment was not always part of the process, in fact, many questions have no right answer, most people don't expect you to read their minds, most people forgive mistakes, and most people don't think you know everything already.   I also grew to understand that when people are asking me questions it is because they want to know about me or something I know.   I am aware of why I feel the instant of fear when I make a mistake or f...

Society is set up for the daytime people.   It is set up for those who follow the "rules".   If you get up energized and ready to tackle the day, get dressed and get to work, are outgoing, cheerful, and a hard worker; you will do well.   And if you are beautiful and smart on top of that, you will succeed greatly.   But those of us who are running on a different clock, have quirks in our personality, cannot quite manage cheerful in the morning, are introverts and thinkers, are at a disadvantage.   We have to travel some distance to reach the starting line for the chosen.   It does us all good to think a little about where each of us starts and how that might have an impact on where we are. There are myriads of ways that we, as people, start from different places.    What appears on the outside to be an even playing field is not.   We have different levels of education, experience, and learning styles.   Think about education ...

Eruption Volcano of pain, Roiling within me. A hole in my heart, Bleeding sizzling molten rock, Frothing to the surface. Lava-hot tears spill from my eyes, Squeezing steel control To liquid pliancy. Limp in the aftermath, Of emotional storm. Peace Place Toes dangling in the clear cold stream Flat rock. Sun warm on my legs Feel, feel, feel safe. Green, gurgling, grass, Swishing leaves, A bird in flight, A light air brushes my thigh. Feeling, feeling, feeling free.

Do you know that feeling when you have the name or information on the tip of your tongue but you just cannot remember it?   What about when you walk into a room and forget why you entered it?   Some might call it aging and some might worry about dementia or Alzheimer's, but I think of it as a filing problem.   We are inundated every day with literally gigabytes of new information which is being added to the years of accumulated information.   I believe the subconscious mind is constantly filtering and processing information in order to file it away for future reference.   I like to think of the brain as a huge file room with endless cabinets stretching into infinity.    There is no index or directory and there are no labels on any of the file cabinets.   Some have papers sticking out of the drawers.   Some have piles of papers and file folders sitting on top waiting to be filed because I know when I get in a hurry I leave things to f...

"You can tell someone what you want, but you can’t tell anyone what to give." -Carolyn Hax I found this statement to be fascinating.   It is truly something I practice in my life, but I hadn't heard it stated in exactly this manner.    It is vitally important for me to state my needs clearly and directly with the people in my life.   The reason I do this is to make it clear to me that I value myself and my own well-being.   Making clear to myself that I matter and my needs matter is not always an easy thing to do.   It has a tremendous impact on how I present myself in the world and to how much help and service I can offer to others.   The hardest part about learning to state my boundaries was understanding that it was ONLY about me and not contingent upon how the message was received.   In other words, the person I am talking to doesn't need to listen or do what I ask and often won't.   My statements are not determined...

There are days when it is almost impossible for me to work on what I "should".   I sit down to work on a particular project and then keep allowing myself be distracted and working on other things.   The worst part is the self-recrimination tape I have running in my head giving me a hard time about not working on what I am supposed to be doing.   When this happened the other day, I finally gave up battling between the voice in my head and my unfocused attempts to "get to work".     I refocused my attention in another direction by calling someone for information about a project, well let’s just say a project that there was no reason to work on right now, and they fired my imagination.   I love it when my passion is ignited and I am filled with ideas.   It was great.   I worked on that project the rest of the day.   I didn't do what I was certain I should be doing, but I did do exactly what I needed to do.   So much of my l...

What I need is to relax.   To know that it is okay to stop and take it easy to get into a flow.   I want some calm and relaxation.   Just saying that makes me feel like crying.   It is like admitting that I am that tense and that I just want to relax makes me feel the tiniest bit of relaxation enter my muscles and then I feel the tears gather.   There are so many different feelings and it is rare for human beings to feel just one at a time.   They are usually all mixed up and combined.   So I want to relax and I want to feel relief or sadness too.   I want to feel free of responsibility.   I want to feel at ease.     Seems to be about trust.   Trust takes care of all those feelings.   When I really trust that everything is in good hands, and I don't mean mine, there is no tension buildup.   "Just relax" is a statement that ranks right up there with "be yourself".   Neither one addresses the underlyin...

        REMAINS OF A PARTY   Glasses glittering among jewels, Voices growing louder, as if to envelope the room. Glasses being raised higher and higher, To more cheers and toasts by voices. Eventually, it quiets down, as all the voices leave; Behind, remain the glasses, in fragments on the floor, Glittering in the early morning sun. I remember when I wrote this poem.   It was summertime between my junior and senior year in high school.   I had told my parents I was spending the night at a friend's house and we went to a party.   It was   a huge party with maybe 100 kids.   There was a lot of drinking and dancing and general ruckus.   I remember crashing on a couch and when I woke up in the morning the sun was streaming in the window and the poem came to me.   A glimpse into the past as clear as a photo.  

Recently, I was thinking about my level of honesty.    I was specifically thinking about how I used to lie to doctors.    Now that may sound crazy and I am not going to argue with you there.   They were almost always lies of omission.   I was simply so filled with hubris that I was certain I alone could decide what was wrong with me and what information the doctor would need to give me the diagnosis I was looking for and the treatment I felt was indicated.   So, crazy is not off the mark.   I didn't even realize I was doing it.   I actually deluded myself into thinking I was being helpful.   I was not clouding the issue with extraneous information.    I really had myself believing I was qualified to make these determinations. The thing is I don't have a medical degree.   I have no real idea what is important information and what is extraneous.    That was me all over, always thinking I needed to know...

I believe that we are all connected and all part of the divine.   It's all energy and spirit.   I am the divine expressing as me - the individual.    So, if we are each of us an expression of the one source, then the most direct treatment I get from that source is through me.   How is source (Divine Intelligence, God, the universe) treating me?   However I am treating me is how spirit is treating me.   So am I showing myself acceptance and love or judgment and punishment or pity and overprotectiveness?   I have the grace and opportunity to express on the human level the physical care and unconditional love to myself that is what I really believe spirit feels for me.   It is my most sacred honor and duty to show that grace to me.   And when I show it to me, it is so easy to show it to others.   I respond with love to all life I encounter today physically, mentally, and spiritually.   

Recently, I went to the dentist for a cleaning and exam.   I moved to a new city several months ago and it was a new dentist.   I had purchased a Groupon for the exam and cleaning.   It was a terrible experience.   I was taken to a room and an assistant took xrays and poked my gums to check if I needed a "deep cleaning" and then called the dentist in.   He looked at my teeth and confirmed I did need the deep cleaning.   While the dentist was examining my teeth he rested his arm on my breast.   I have been to many doctors, dentists, chiropractors and never had anything like that happen to me before.   I was so stunned; I didn't say a word.   It was only a few minutes but I really felt violated.   Then he left and I (trying to address something approaching normal) asked about the cost for the extra cleaning and was directed to the front desk.   It would be another $139 and had to be scheduled at another time.   Than...

Working Too Slow Can't keep up, Working too slow… While my brain whizzes around hairpin turns and dark alleys, Out of sync. Unable to stop my racing mind. Feeling my blood boil and bubble Rising to my temple, Throbbing with undone tasks, Wait, slow down, Stop! All is - As is - A body and mind in concert Keeping to a sacred rhythm, Will accomplish all that is necessary.

I recently attended the Austin Television Festival and got some interesting insights.   It was great fun and I learned so much.   One of the things that I thought about after a panel about the mythology of television is about my belief system.   What are the general truths I believe about my world or society I live in? When I am watching television or a movie, especially horror or scifi genres, it is completely normal to suspend my preconceptions about the world.   In order to immerse in the story, I buy into the world and focus on the relationships, plot, and characters.    I don't spend time or energy questioning the details of the world because I don't expect it to be like my everyday world.   I don't worry about if the car could really fly or the person could really be a vampire.    It is the mythology the way I am drawn into the world and how believable the characters are that matters to me.   I can understand the metaphors...

Sometimes I act as if I am just clear enough and say things in just the right way I will get exactly what I want.   And I blame myself for not saying things correctly when I don't get exactly what I want.   I say things like, "I didn't explain what I wanted.   I wasn't clear.    I didn't say not to do that."   I make it my fault rather than whomever I am talking to.   For example when I ask my husband to do B for me and don't specifically say not to do A and he does both, I blame me.   I should have said it.   See what I mean. Crazy over responsibility.   I just realized that is how I feel with God sometimes.   I think the reason I am not seeing results is because I am just not asking in the right way or using the right words.   And that just shows how I carry my defects throughout my life.   The belief I have about having to be so precise in my words or the result is not what I sought is not true.   It i...

SPINNING WHEELS Spending all my time and energy Spinning my wheels Caught in the muck, Round and round Round and round In my mind. Weighing down my heart With could’ves and should’ves and “look at the time!” No time or energy left After spinning my wheels To get where I want to go.         GRAND REMINDER You have stuff happening I have stuff happening. Stuff happens Life happens, Continually. When I'm feeling down On me I think it's all about Me. It isn't. I have to prod you To yell To tell me - reassure me It's not about you!!!! A gentle reminder Of my grandiosity. I want to be your helpmate Your friend, Supportive, positive, spiritual. I don't want to whine, to complain, To be needy . I am. You try to protect me From disturbing news, You are always there With a shoulder, a hand, a tender touch. I feel so unworthy Sometimes. I feel so loved Sometimes...

           LIKE A JUNKYARD DOG Ease this anger The ever-growing need, To snap and snarl            Like a junkyard dog. Long denied, Striking at others out of pain            That must be shared, to be borne.