Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

Thanks to reality TV, we all know what a hoarder is. Someone who compulsively acquires things - buys them, finds them, the method of acquisition is not important, what is, is they cannot get rid of anything. They keep things that appear to others to have little or no value and many times end up cluttering their home to the point it can no longer function as a viable living space. It is easy to recognize when your physical living space is cluttered and certainly when it ceases to be a functional or comfortable environment. But, what about the living space inside our minds? We can be hoarders of thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and values that are gathering dust and critters in the corners of our minds and are of little or no value to us. I have certainly been a belief hoarder. I have hung on to ideas about the right way to do things (my way), the right side of social issues, judgments about others' beliefs, my self worth, my abilities, who it is okay to love, how to dress, and...

I've been reading about the explosion of the fertilizer plant in West, TX. There have been reports about the lack of inspections and permits not filed correctly. Clearly, some safety questions were not addressed. But West is not an anomaly, it is just one example. Texas is known for being "open for business". It is a state that prides itself on being non-union, low regulation, low taxes and tax-break-friendly for businesses. In the aftermath of the explosion there have been a plethora of articles, news reports, editorials, blogs, and letters to editors about the concept of safety for workers and communities vs business growth. The side that is all about giving businesses and industries whatever they want in order to get them to do business here, states the needs for jobs and growing the economy. The side that is concerned with the safety of workers, residents in the community and the environment say that jobs alone are not enough to balance the scales. I foun...

Few things are so sure and simple that they can be taken at face value. Face value – the very description tells you that you have no idea what is going on underneath. Face is what you see and only what you see. We are reminded over and over to look further than the surface with aphorisms like: don’t judge a book by it’s cover, beauty is only skin deep, and still waters run deep. In spite of knowing that what I see on the outside of a person, or situation is only a portion and often misleading, I still find myself making snap judgments based on how someone looks, talks, or acts. It takes practice to override first reactions and to try to look deeper. For me, the important thing is to know I am prone to make that judgment and just that awareness helps me to look again and to look for more. I try to catch myself by listening to the offhand remarks in my head about everything I see and hear. Another thing that helps is when this kind of judgment is turned on me. When someo...

My headache is like my mother, erratic and capricious. The same pain does not respond the same to the same treatment. You never know what will work. I am reliving patterns from my childhood in my own head. I created this model. I followed the blueprint in my head - no mother anymore, so I made another monster just as vicious, violent, and vengeful as she. And I have been doing it for years. And just as with my relationship with my Mother, there have been changes, improvements in my ability to deal with the toxins, but with every subtle change, comes a clever sideswipe. Now I see that I don't have to punish myself by setting up impossible tests including opt outs like a tension cluster headache. We are often so trapped in our old beliefs we cannot see it. There IS A RIGHT ANSWER is the old belief I carry. And if I just come up with the right words, the right action, that right answer - I won't be punished. I have internalized that message to my core and since there ...

It's not what you know; it's who you know. I heard that my whole life and I have seen evidence of it in business and social networking. If you know someone personally that has entrée to a job, a internship for your child, a good school, a great home, donors, a good doctor, parties, events, … The list is endless and defined by what you might be trying to achieve for yourself or your family. The ability to succeed in life is not just restricted by resources but by being isolated through socio-economic conditions from the kind of people who could help you achieve your goals. People with power and position help each other with introductions, recommendations, and perks. People with spiritual power and position can help us expand our emotional and spiritual life in the same way. Spiritual poverty and a feeling of lack is exacerbated by being isolated from the people who could help us make more of our spiritual life. That is why churches, synagogues, mosques, temples,...

I believe we are each inherently valuable. I believe being is what we are here to do and anything else is extra. And I believe that if you want to know what you believe, look at your life. So, do I really believe that being is more important than doing? Yesterday I had a plan- I had intentions to do a number of things. I did the first and I was ahead of schedule (mine) and the next place I planned to go wasn't open for 45 minutes. It threw my entire plan off. I ended up going home and not fulfilling my intentions. Then I felt like a lazy sluggard and slacker the rest of the day. I tried to make myself feel better by doing some other things like laundry, cleaning, and exercise. I had started the day by taking my husband to the bus station and stopping at the grocery store (before my plans went awry) and I picked him back up after cooking dinner. Still, it did not feel like enough. I didn't feel like enough. What is enough? It's like my actions don't meet...

Know who you are. Be true to yourself. Sounds simple, yet most of us spend years trying to figure out who we are and what being true to ourselves really means. I have a theory that when we are babies and experiencing the world in a nonverbal way and an egocentric way, we know. We are. Then we start interacting in the world, we learn to talk, we start learning the rules that we are required to follow. Some of them are written down on classroom walls and religious tomes. Some of them are told to us by our parents, teachers, and elders. And some, some are unwritten and unspoken. They are the rules and beliefs we learn by watching the people around us. Who do they love, who do they listen to, who do they fear, who do they hate, who do they worship? What kinds of things do they say about other people, institutions, beliefs? Usually we copy them, even if some of the things they say or do make us feel uncomfortable. As we age and go out into the world, we meet new people and ...

I have an appointment at the doctor's tomorrow. My doctor is wonderful. She is smart, wise, respectful and I trust her completely. Yet, I have been a bundle of nerves for 3 days in anticipation of the appt. Why? Because I am afraid she will judge me - that she will attribute some of the ills I am experiencing to something I am doing. That it is my fault. That I am wrong. That I am bad. Old old messages and beliefs that clutter my brain. I know in my head that they are not valid, but my subconscious and my feelings aren't following the logic. I could make this all about the doctor in my brain but the truth is that this issue, this belief comes up all the time in relation to many things. Granted, most often with physical pain. I think it is just the easiest target. Like if I have a pain in my neck, my first thought is, 'what did I do to cause it?' I do it with other things too. The blame me first game. The waiting to be judged game. The I must be the one who ...

I wish at times that I were not the author of my own suffering, that I could blame it on someone else – some nameless, faceless demon. Something or someone outside of me. Looking outward for the problem when the truth is that I am the master of my universe, the captain of my fate. I am the one writing the script of my life. I cannot control the thoughts that flit through my head one after another. I can choose which ones I decide to entertain. While it is true that pain and loss are a part of life, suffering is not. When I choose to keep worrying or obsessing about something and working it over and over in my mind, I am suffering for no reason. When I choose to wallow in self-pity, I am suffering for no reason. When I choose instead to let go, to accept what is and how I feel, I am not suffering; I am living.

Monsters In My Mind My dark forest, Horrific monsters and unknowns. I tiptoe past the trees trying to remain safe, Scaring myself with how they will 'get me' Pretending they are real; Pretending I haven't always got the choice. I know the monsters are in my mind And they are huge, relentless, and expert shape-shifters.  Adapting themselves to be the worst bogeymen, In any situation. Until I realize I am free to leave the forest.

Looking out the window and I see a woman carrying armful after armful of clothing to her car and suddenly I am struck with gratitude. I can hear my washing machine humming in the background and I think how grateful I am that I can do my wash right here in my home and it is sooo easy. When I think back to what doing a load of laundry took earlier in my life - schlepping to the Laundromat anyone? That was boring, time consuming, and physically tiring. Still, it was a vast improvement over what came before. For the first 10 years of my life we had a wringer washer. For those of you who might not know what that is, it required 3 galvanized wash tubs - one for washing (with your hands and a brush), a second for rinsing with your hands, and then you ran the clothes through the wringer which you ran with a crank and then the last time to rinse again and then wring again. The water had to be changed periodically from a big sink. All this before you had to hang the clothes outside ...