Patterns

I wonder how much of my jaded instantaneous instinct to squelch is learned and how much is a part of my personality.  I so quickly turn to no.  Yet, I feel that as a child I was sunny.  I was bright and wanted to believe in hope and good.  My experiences as a child and the ways of reacting to life I saw as examples in my life were the exact opposite of hope and good. 

 How much damage did the abuse do?  What did it change or form in me? Was nature part of it – did I pick up skepticism from my parents through DNA?  It is easy to trace some responses in my life directly to what I saw modeled.  Other things I have worked for years to change my reaction to learn a new way.  That is just as important and it might be that it only redirected me back to my natural essence. 

 I wonder about these things.  And a part of me examines my thoughts and responses to events in life from things as simple as a chance remark overheard to a loss of a loved one.  I  contemplate what pulls my heart strings and what does not. 

 Who am I?   Who have I been?  The same as I was while eternally changing.  I am in this life, this human life living it as fully as I allow, ever striving to learn the lessons I chose and to move toward a deeper connection to source. 

 I was born on a Monday at suppertime.  I guess I was always an evening kind of gal.  I love looking out of the window.  I know that there are reasons buried in my past allow me to only feel comfortable in a room with a window.  I know also that there is something in my very bones that is an observer.  I am a spectator bird.

 Is it a reluctance to participate in life or my natural introversion?  I don’t know and I am not sure it matters.  I can parse my proclivities and trace the antecedents or I can live in my skin now.  The latter seems more productive and natural.  Let my senses feel calm and go about my business.  Stop trying to fix what is beyond my ability and who says it is broken and not exactly the lessons I need to learn.

 My own reactions to energies, people, images, events, and circumstances are worth noting.  They all give me information to use in how I navigate the world.  Yet, they do not stop me in my tracks so much anymore.  There was a time when I could not move due to these feelings. 

 Today, I recognize when I am stuck and I ask for help.  I find that asking for help reminds me that I don’t have to figure me out and fix me all by myself.  It releases the pressure and creates space for hope and joy.