Resigned No More

"It doesn't matter", "Whatever", "I don't care", "It's all right, I don't mind"....RESIGNATION.  I have spent much of my life living in a state of resignation.  It was the theme of my early years and I haven't fully shaken it yet.  As a child, what else could I do but stick to my image of my spine of steel and bear on--keep on--don't give up, ever.   I survived and I have eradicated some of the belief echoes of those years. 

What I didn't see clearly was that in order to not give up, I learned to give in.  It was prudent to go along in order to remain a passive target. I was taught early and often that you only fought for something if it really mattered.  I can hear my father's voice in my head right now asking "Does it really matter to you?" before he would fight for something I wanted.   I conflated acceptance and resignation.  I believed that I had to resign myself to some things in order to get the things that really were important.  I made my life full of trade offs and adjustments. 

Over the last few weeks this mistaken belief has been brought home to me with three glaring examples.  Apparently, I need to be given a clear directive more than once or twice.

The first example is a colonoscopy I have scheduled for next week.  As the time has drawn closer I have received numerous phone calls from different people at the hostpital asking me a list of questions.  I have been given untold lists of do's and don'ts and in the process have become scared enough to have nightmares about it.  I kept thinking 'this is what I have to do and I am being brave by going through with what they ask.'  Finally I saw that it wasn't courageous to just blindly go along and be afraid.  It was resignation.  So I started asking questions.  I don't have all the answers yet, but I feel less afraid already.  And I am confident that I am the one making the decisions for my health care.

The second situation is that I have bought my first pair of non-reader glasses.  They are progressive lenses and I got them a week ago.  I have struggled daily trying to read through them.  I knew I would have to adjust to reading through the new kind of lenses so I took that to mean the glasses were fine and it was all my job to adjust.  I found myself thinking things like: I can get used to the blurriness, if I hold my chin up I can see a few words at a time, just close your eyes when you walk or move your head.   Now, I am sure for those of you reading this, you are thinking "is she nuts?".  In a word, yes.  

It took me days of headaches and eye strain to figure out that while there were some things I could see and some I couldn't – glasses should be helping me see everything better and I should not have to be learning to live with blur.   So, today I am calling the doctor and having the prescription checked.  Then I will go back where I got the glasses and see what they have to say.  I am willing to get answers, to ask for what I deserve and to start over. 

The third situation was the most in my face.  It was really the one that gave me the impetus to look carefully at all three. 

A friend came to visit me last weekend and since it was her birthday last month and mine this month, we decided to treat ourselves to mani-pedi's.  We tried to get appointments at a recommended nail salon but they had no openings so we tried another close by that had good yelp reviews.  What an experience. 

We got there and the manager asked us to pick the polish color for our pedicures.  We did and then I tried to pick the same color for my nails as I wanted to match.  She immediately began pushing gel nails and I argued that I did not want them as I had a very bad experience with them 2 years ago.  They dried my nails out so badly it took several months for them to be normal again.  She was quite persuasive and convinced me that there had been improvements and this would be different.  I finally agreed and picked a color. 

During the pedicure, which was great (mud packs, exfoliation, steaming towels, massage), I rethought and knew that I really did not want the gel nails.  So when I was passed over to the next person for my manicure, I told him I did not want the gel nails.  I wanted regular polish and I wanted it to match my toes.  He said he had to speak to the manager. 

I went to the front with him to pick out the polish.  She followed us back and started arguing with me about the gel nail polish again.  She kept on in a very loud voice for over 5 minutes.  I felt harassed and belittled.  By this point, I was upset, tired of arguing and embarrassed enough to give in.  I got the gel nail in a color that does not match my toes at all and I do not like - she picked it.  I felt rushed and pushed.  It is an old pattern.  I got something I did not want.  I gave in, traded off and decided it wasn't really important.

The thing is when I decide "it" isn't important, I am really saying I am not important.  And I am.  This incident woke me up to the destructive element in this pattern.  How I am not valuing myself or my feelings.  It is vital for me to express my needs, to stand up for myself and to ask for what I want.  That is courage.  Courage requires me to accept what I cannot change.  For instance, I couldn't change the manager's behavior, but I did not have to resign to getting something I didn't want.  Resignation means I don't make a peep and just do whatever is presented. I only argue if it really matters.  It is like going into a restaurant and asking for whatever is left in the kitchen. 

I am through giving in.  I have learned the difference between courage, acceptance, and resignation.  I am not resigned to anything.  I do not accept gel nails.  I do not accept no answers.  I do not accept difficulty in seeing with glasses.  I don't give up and I don't give in.  I stand my ground and state my needs.  I am in charge of taking care of me and I do a good job because I matter.