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Conscious Choice Christmas


I have been thinking about Christmas and what it means to me.  I don't mean in a religious sense or even historical.   I am talking about what it means to me personally.  We are always hearing people say, "focus on the reason for the season".  I am examining what that represents to me. 

I am thinking of all the various ways that I see people celebrate this holiday with family, gift giving, church, help to the needy, generosity, joy, light, decorations, gathering, social activity, or connection with those dear to our hearts and I am trying to pick apart what my feelings are surrounding this season.  I am not certain.  

Gift giving, for instance, is fraught with dangling emotions.   There have been times in my life when it was all about proving my love.  There have been times when it was all about stress and financial strain.  There have been times of joy and generosity when I was delighted to give and find things I thought people would love.  I like giving gifts when I can get out of my own way (mentally) and let go of any other concerns.  I often see gifts that I think so and so would like and more often than not, I don’t  get them or send them because I believe I cannot afford the cost. 

And what is the cost?  Certainly financial and time, but also attending guilt if I don't get a gift for another person of equivalent relationship.  Then, if I don't get the gift there is also a draining of spirit, self-flagellating and deprecation, feeling like I  never have enough to share.   I want to share. I really do like doing that.  I like the feeling of letting someone know I was thinking of them and making them happy.  Some years I have made gifts for everyone or bought gifts and some years I have ignored the idea of gifts.  Some years it has been a pure pleasure and some an obligation.  And some it has been a mixed bag.  And that is just the gift giving part. Hence, my journey to figure out what this all means to me.

I see most people around me go through the same motions year after year.  They appear to have their idea of what Christmas means – family, togetherness, helping others, goodwill, good works, gift giving, decorations, church, depression.   It looks to me like almost everyone I know sets up their own idea, belief system and traditions and then sticks to it.  The place they have the celebration, the people that are in the circle, the details might change, but the basic concept remains the same. 

Then I look at me and say what happened?  I don't have a tradition, there are things that I have done more than one year but rarely more than 2 in a row.  I don't even put up a tree every year.  I've sent cards, I've bought gifts, I've ignored the holiday, I've been with family, I've been alone.  There is no anchor. 

I tried to remember a Christmas when I was really joyous and I felt good. There were a few years when I dispensed with all the usual Christmas glitter and celebrated in a more quiet and spiritual way.  I enjoyed those.  Yet, I believe it was when I participated fully in the holiday that I felt filled with Christmas cheer.  I bought presents for people I really wanted to buy presents for and I had a lovely tree and a holiday party.  I felt a part of things.  I felt I deserved my idea of a normal Christmas.  

This year, I've been feeling conflicted about what I want and denied.  Denied by whom?  Myself, I guess.  There is nothing to prevent me from giving something to folks.  I could send cards.  I could put up a tree.  I could attend a holiday event.  I could embrace my life today and say this is where I am.  Do I want to be like my mother and say bah humbug because  I can't have exactly what I want?  That is a hearty NO!

The truth is that there are no rules.  There is no punishment or shame in not doing what someone else wants or expects.  There are no decorations I must put up, no presents I must buy, events I must attend, and no cards I must send.  So, what do I want? 

My lack of tradition frees me to make a conscious choice about what and how I want to celebrate.  The same choice we all have and I have always had, which is to decide what I want Christmas to be about this year.  I want it to be about gratitude and love.  I want it to be about sharing myself with others.  I want it to be about doing something fun and new with my sweet husband.  Conscious Choice Christmas 2013 commences now.   Let the creativity flow.

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