Many of us have experienced the death of a family member. In the throes of bitterness, grief, sorrow,
anger, regret, relief, and pain that crop up, it is hard to determine what you
might want as a tangible reminder of your loved one. Sometimes everything is laid out ahead of
time. But more often than not, especially
when someone dies unexpectedly, nothing has been decided or discussed. We attach great import to the heirlooms we
inherit.
In our culture, we aren't accustomed to dealing with death in a healthy
manner. We are an extroverted culture,
therefore outwardly focused. Processing
and reflecting on feelings is not natural to us, so feelings of grief and
sorrow often get buried under bitterness, rivalry, anger, and selfishness.
In the case of a death, whomever controls the possessions of your loved
one gets to decide who gets what so you may not get a choice. Sometimes you are given a choice and don't
know what to pick because of your own overwhelming feelings. And
sometimes things are disposed of without consult or there is nothing left to
give.
When my mother died, I wasn’t there when my sister and niece cleared
out her house and got rid of all her possessions. It was such a difficult time and both all of
us were coming in from out of state and taking turns being there with my
Mom. At the time I knew she wasn't ever
coming home, but I also believed there was more time.
I was there the week before she died and I took a beautiful tea cup and
saucer home with me. It was one I
remembered seeing on a shelf in our home most of my life. I have no idea where she got it or why she
kept it. It is very delicate fine china. I never drink tea and I wouldn't use it even
if I did.
I display it in my home with other treasured items. It has become a family heirloom. I look at it on the mantel and cannot help
but wonder what my descendants two generations from now will think of this
"family heirloom"? Will they believe
it was a valued and precious cup that my mother or grandmother used all the
time or was it just some object I grabbed.
My theory is that we imbue a mystic or sentimental value on things that
are deemed "family heirlooms".
We do value the past, the connection to our own history, but we tend to
value the things instead of what they represent. I believe most things that are handed down
complete with stories attached are things someone along the way grabbed in the
midst of grief, greed, sorrow, or afterthought.
I created my own story about the sentiment attached to my tea cup,
which is why I display it in my home. Is
it true? There is no way to know. And maybe it is not important. Maybe just having that connection to something
my mother loved can evoke my love for her and joys we shared. And maybe, that is what really matters.
So whatever "heirlooms" you have and whatever stories you
have about them are the genuine legacy of your family. It is about feeling the connection and
history on a visceral level. It is part
of knowing who you are and who you want to be.
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