The Power of Wanting to Change

I have an appointment at the doctor's tomorrow. My doctor is wonderful. She is smart, wise, respectful and I trust her completely. Yet, I have been a bundle of nerves for 3 days in anticipation of the appt. Why? Because I am afraid she will judge me - that she will attribute some of the ills I am experiencing to something I am doing. That it is my fault. That I am wrong. That I am bad. Old old messages and beliefs that clutter my brain. I know in my head that they are not valid, but my subconscious and my feelings aren't following the logic.

I could make this all about the doctor in my brain but the truth is that this issue, this belief comes up all the time in relation to many things. Granted, most often with physical pain. I think it is just the easiest target. Like if I have a pain in my neck, my first thought is, 'what did I do to cause it?'

I do it with other things too. The blame me first game. The waiting to be judged game. The I must be the one who messed it up, whatever it is. It is exhausting, it is nerve-wracking, it is deflating. I am depressed and unmotivated a good bit of the time and struggling to overcome those feelings and even I can see I am creating them with this old belief.

it is extremely hard to stop a belief It is hard to change a belief. Something instilled in my as a little child and maybe even before, probably pre-verbal. It feels like part of me. I think it is the belief I am here to overcome. The idea that it is all my fault.

It is a pretty grandiose idea that somehow I have the power to change everything. And while I do believe in the power of belief, that is not the same as blame. What it does mean is that sometimes one thing I believe brings with it some side effects or unintended consequences. So I can change my mind. This pattern, this habit, this integrated belief is older than any, it was beaten into me and established in my family of origin. It is not true.

I do make choices all day every day and some of those choices may result in physical pain, just as some may result in physical joy or comfort. And because they are choices, I can choose again and make adjustments. There is no blame. There is no punishment. There is no fear. There is the power of trust. There is the power of love. There is the power of knowing that the doctor is there to help me and guide me. There is the power of wanting to change. And there is the power of knowing that this old belief does not serve me anymore.