Old Patterns

My headache is like my mother, erratic and capricious. The same pain does not respond the same to the same treatment. You never know what will work. I am reliving patterns from my childhood in my own head. I created this model. I followed the blueprint in my head - no mother anymore, so I made another monster just as vicious, violent, and vengeful as she. And I have been doing it for years.

And just as with my relationship with my Mother, there have been changes, improvements in my ability to deal with the toxins, but with every subtle change, comes a clever sideswipe. Now I see that I don't have to punish myself by setting up impossible tests including opt outs like a tension cluster headache.

We are often so trapped in our old beliefs we cannot see it. There IS A RIGHT ANSWER is the old belief I carry. And if I just come up with the right words, the right action, that right answer - I won't be punished. I have internalized that message to my core and since there can be no right answer, right words, right action - there is always punishment. It is paralyzing. Still.

I cannot change a lifetime of belief in one day, but I can be aware that this lurks in my mind and heart. I know that this destructive belief colors so much of my life - the belief in punishment if I don't do, say, or be something "right". What I know today is that there is a right action - whatever action I take. There are no wrong words - whatever I say is right. I am doing the best I can by the light I can see by and that is all that is required. No punishment. I am and I am free of this old belief.