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The Beginning of Light


I had a very rough day yesterday.  Well, truth be told I had a very rough week.  I, through working with someone about the feeling of lack in my life and lack of meaning in my life, realized that my unhappiness was stemming in part from not feeling like I had a way to use my skills, talents, and gifts to fill my soul, to fill my purpose.  a tool we devised to help me focus on what I wanted was to write down at the end of the day what things I had done that were soul-filling activities.   I had trouble at the end of the day coming up with anything I did for me, for my spirit self. 

At the beginning of the week I (please note the use of I) was determined that I would figure it out.  I would find something.  I would concentrate and note and change.  I would make it all better.  As the week wore on and I struggled more and more with coming up with something anything besides working a puzzle or playing a game or reading a book. 

I was trying to build a house out of toothpicks.  I would get a room and it would fall over.  I tried every design … I grew more and more depressed and hopeless feeling.  I didn't recognize that.  I just got crabbier and snappier. I was back into old bad habits of sneaking and lying and not sleeping and feeling miserable.  I didn't want to do anything that I usually do. 

Yesterday, I got so angry that I smashed all the toothpicks and threw them.  I cried, I beat my breast, I gave up.  I admitted that I don't know what to do.  I couldn't see the point.  My husband, in all his infuriating patience and kindness, just kept talking to me and telling me it was going to be okay and that I didn't need an answer right now, I had the question and it would come, which of course made me furious. 

Eventually, I ran our of steam from crying and arguing.  Arguing that your life is hopeless is a very draining experience.  I thought about it, prayed about it, and processed in my sleep and this morning I see that he was right.   All my misery of this past week is attributable to the fact that "I" was trying to come up with all the answers, "I" had to figure it out, "I" was going to fix my life.  As soon as "I" was willing to admit that I am not alone and I don’t have to solve every problem alone, I felt better.

Today I am not out of the woods and I am not skipping down the sidewalk, but I am feeling some hope.  I believe it is not all up to me.  I am willing to trust.  I don't feel alone.  I am open to new growth, new opportunity, and a new perspective.



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