There are people in my life I have trouble having a
conversation with, without disagreeing.
No matter where the conversation starts – current events, the weather, a
television program, a book, or family status – it ends up with diametrically opposed
points of view. When someone you are
close to has a world view that is the opposite of yours, it makes spending time
together challenging.
I try to focus on what we have in common, our feelings. I come away from the exchanges many times
feeling beaten down and attacked. When
someone attacks my beliefs, my politics, my world view, they are attacking my
essence. For me, my beliefs and values
define who I am.
Each of us lives up to a code of behavior and
standards. We might get those standards
from our family, our culture, our religion, our community, or our country. Some may come from role models or were learned
in school. And some have been defined
through life experience.
Wherever we get our beliefs, when someone says, “what you
believe is wrong, what you believe is stupid, what you believe is
dangerous.” It feels like they are sying
you are wrong, you are stupid and you are dangerous. The trick is to get beyond taking it
personally.
I figured that out in the middle of feeling attacked and
belittled. I could feel the
defensiveness build and the anger and hurt and just as I was feeling my very
essence and code being called into question, I realized the other person felt
the same way. I had to get beyond wrong
and right, beyond the idea of one set of beliefs that works for everyone. We are all very different and each person's
view is unique to them and feels right to them.
Each of us is shaped by our personal experiences, family of
origin, community, society, culture and our work or school environment. Our many different experiences and viewpoints
are what create the diverse and rich world we live in.
And while I value a variety of viewpoints and sympathize
with each person's right to have their own opinions, I want to connect with
others and that requires looking for what is common to each of us. As many differing views and ideas as we have
as humans, there are core values that we all share as humans.
We all want to be safe and we want security in our jobs and
homes. We want to protect our families
and we want our children to be happy and successful. We want to be healthy and able to enjoy our
lives. We all want to feel useful and
have purpose and meaning in our lives.
Most of the time the divergence in viewpoints or worldview occurs with how to achieve the goal, not with the
goal.
I can think of at least 5 examples in the national news
right now – national security, jobs, healthcare, poverty, education. There isn't much dispute about the need, yet there
is about how to address the needs.
It translates to each of us on a personal level too. Can we look past the “how” and focus on the
what? Telling someone that you
understand that they are worried about their job or financial security, you
understand they want a college education for their child and agreeing to
disagree about the best way to achieve it is hard and takes practice. But when I am able to acknowledge what that
we share – the goal or the concern and stay out of the how, my conversations
and relationships are much smoother and closer.
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