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Trading Up



I have long believed that life was full of trade offs.   I accepted it.  I lived by it.  The thing is I was the one deciding what would be traded.  And I don't know. 

I have been struggling with feeling hopeful about our move because I I believed with all my heart that the trade off was no more dinners out, massages, puzzles, books, trips, festivals, duds, furniture, health care--all the accoutrement of middle class life--I was going to have to give them up in order to move.  I thought that was the trade off.  Complete belief in limited thinking.

Today I worked and worked (as I have been doing lately) on trying to believe that life wasn't full of trade offs but I couldn't get there.   I couldn't feel it.  Suddenly I realized maybe I have the trade off wrong.  Maybe the trade off isn't what I think it is.   Maybe we are not limited to a certain amount of abundance and joy.  I don't have to trade what I have for what I want. 

Maybe the trade off is I have to have a life - get out there and BE part of a community.  If we move to a place where I have more privacy and peace and also get to be part of a community.  Actually start to build a life here, well, then I have to build a life here. 

Maybe I still get to buy clothes, have dinner out and buy puzzles and books.  Maybe we still get to go on trips and do fun things, but there is a different level of commitment to the community, to Austin, to my life, to living in the world.  Maybe there is more responsibility in doing the books.  Maybe I have to find a new tax preparer.  Maybe it is me working because I want to and because it works for me.  Maybe it is me stretching and moving in a new way. 

And what about trading off or in on the negatives in my life now.  Maybe I won't have to take so much allergy medicine or have so many headaches and tension all the time.  That would be worth trading.  The trade offs are endless and I cannot see them from here.  Some may be challenging and some may be a surprise.  Some will be welcome and some delightful and some really nose-wrinkling.  That is life.  And I can find things that fit all of that in my life now.  So I was not counting the known challenges and stresses of my current existence in my strict little tower of trade offs.  I was only looking at what I love in my life and thinking I would have to give it up instead of looking at what I hate and seeing I could give that up instead. 

Life's trade offs could be trade ups and that is what we have been moving towards for the last 2 years.  I see how we have both been ramping up our game - learning new things, taking on new challenges and overcoming obstacles, testing boundaries, figuring out what they need to be for our well being in this life now. 

The trade off is I am really ready to expand this life now and I see what I have gained and that I really like having in my life.  I love the feeling of buying a book I want to read.  I like the feeling of having  plenty of puzzles.  I like the feeling of being able to go to dinner without worry about the cost.  I like having this life of joy
and fun and leisure and the focus on my physical well being. I have loved having physical therapy and massages and yoga and working on loving my body.  It is precious to me.

I get to keep all of that and add to it.  And the trade off is not to stay in this apartment waiting for life.  The trade off is to move to expand to explore.  To try new things.  To make myself a part of the place I live.   To love where I live.  To feel at home.  And take all the things I love with me. I live in a world of endless abundance.  I am connected to the source of all.  I know that I have all I need and all I love and I am trading off misery for some nervousness.  I am trading off ennui for grit.  I am trading off small for large.  I am trading off tension for peace.  I am trading despair for hope.  I am trading feeling adrift for feeling at home.
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