Patterns

Two years ago I was living a different life. I had friends and an active social life—parties, dinners, gatherings, game nights, theater, and lunches. I was teaching a film and culture class to middle school aged children and loved it. I was active in a jigsaw puzzle exchange and Democratic party politics. I was having planning meetings about the coming 2012 election. I was living in my dream house. I was part of a group that met regularly to discuss our dreams, fears, obstacles, and help each other strategize about our lives.  I was living in a small community that had been home for 26 years. I knew who I was. I was settled and set. 

 The last 2 years have been almost constant change. Every time I get used to something being a certain way, it changes. I live in a city. I live in an apartment. I don't really have much of a social life. I am not active in politics. I am part of a movie club that I am helping with, but it is not filling a desire for me. 

I don't know who I am now. I am afraid much of the time. I feel adrift from others. I feel alone. I have been working very hard to be patient with myself and to know it will take time and effort to get comfortable in whatever my new life will be. I spend time getting accustomed to where I live and how I live and letting go of my old life. I believe I have done that as much as possible. And still, every time I think, "okay this is the way this will be", it changes. Even little things. My computer monitor breaks, I need a different one. 

 The one we have is a different shape. I start physical therapy and I need to get a different chair to sit at my desk. I don't have trees, birds, and a yard. I have a parking lot and people and cars. I don't have kids in my life to bring me fresh perspective. I miss my friends. I have been feeling homesick. I don't mean to sound down. I really am not. 

There are really good and positive changes taking place. Just in the last year we stopped looking for a different place to live. We accepted this is the place. Making that decision gave me the gift of time. I started blogging and have been blogging for a year. I am doing a few social things and enjoying them. I am trying to get a puzzle exchange going. I have made a couple of friends. I am taking care of my health. I am doing more things that are fun for me. I saw two movies last week and loved them. I am feeling more uncertain than anything. I am not sure what to do with myself and I am not sure who I am in the same way I was before. I believe that is a good thing because it brings growth and self-awareness. All I can do in the meantime is continue to try and make the best choices I can in any given situation at any moment and let go of the results. I can trust that I am guided to my highest good and know that acceptance comes in jumps and starts and spurts. Change is the only constant.