Drama

Drama - in the last week I have spent hours on the phone with folks caught up in painful issues in their lives and people suffering chronic melodrama.  To me, the difference is in the response.  When something painful, tragic, or serious happens we always have a choice in how we react.  Belabor, question, whirl in a flurry of angst, agonize, go over every conversation again and again….  Or, talk it through with a trusted friend, write about it, accept, grieve, focus on how to take care of yourself.  The first reaction is wearying to listen to and I don't even want to think about how tiring it is to live.

Why, why, why?  Why did he do that?  Why would she do that?  Why did he say that?  Why doesn't really matter as you cannot know!  Spending hours guessing at motives is not helpful.  Some of us might know our own motives for any actions we take, but I guarantee you don't and can't ever know why anyone else does what they do unless they tell you.  I can release the desire to know "why".    And, in any case, knowing why someone dumped you or why you got cancer or why someone cheated you doesn't change the fact that it happened. 

Which brings us back to how you respond.  That's it.  Whatever has happened and however you feel, you have a choice.  Are you going to let someone else's actions or what you are afraid will happen as a result of their actions goad you into some action, anger, worry or obsession?  It is not necessary to suffer, lose sleep, punish yourself, or seek vengeance.  There is another way.

The first thing is to process your feelings.  Grieve, rage, vent, cry, write, laugh, talk, or meditate.  Express what you feel and I do mean what YOU feel.  This doesn't mean going over and over what someone else did or said, it means expressing how that made you feel.  I firmly believe in not holding feelings in.  I know from my own experience that even when it feels like the tears will never end or the anger will eat you alive, you can get through it.

Another part of this process involves practicing not taking things personally.  If someone says something to you and you know if anyone else said it, you would not be hurt—it is about the relationship you have with that person and not what they said.  Or if the person in question treats everyone the same way, then it is not about you, it is about them.  It took me a long time to make this a natural response.  Now, I automatically ask myself these two questions and know if it is really about me.  If it is about me, then I can look at my own behavior and see what I need to do about it.

The next step is to detach from the things that are not your business. It has been an eye-opening experience for me to determine what is my business.  There are many opportunities every day for me to remember that I don't need to have an opinion about everything.  Even when someone is telling me about the events in their life and asking for advice, I don't need to have an opinion or, I should say, I don't need to share it.  My life is my business.  What I choose to do each day is my business.  I treat the rest sort of like a psychologist – I only need to intervene if someone is in imminent danger.  Truly, that situation has only arisen a couple of times in my life. 

Finally, and most important is acceptance.  Accepting other people exactly as they are and where they are and what they do.  And accepting yourself.  I don't mean you have to say everything is okay.  Certainly not.  I don't spend time with people who are mean and hurtful.  I accept them, and I protect myself.  Most people are just trying to get their needs met.  Sometimes you are between them and their needs and you get run over.  It is harsh and it hurts, but it's not about you.   Some of the drama I dealt with this week was about addiction.  Bless the addict and don't enable.  It is hard.   Two people I talked to this week are battling cancer.  I can't do anything about their illness.  What I can do is listen, love them, and accept their need to talk about it.  

I cannot remain calm or untouched through all the pain I hear, see and feel.  However, I can choose how to deal with drama and pain.  I can also stay aware of my energy level and ability to help when the conversation is just going around in circles of hurt and anger.  Love and acceptance don't require that I sacrifice my peace of mind to take a permanent role in someone's drama.  I can go to my quiet place and get centered.  I can practice acceptance.  I can practice compassion.  I can practice love.  And I do.