I Am

I have spent the past 40 years attempting to become a human being rather than a human doing.  A core issue that has caused me endless agony has been a persistent belief in not feeling 'good enough'.  It is a challenge to feel my worth as a human being.  I have moments when I feel that wonderful peace and connection and know I am fulfilling my purpose.  And then there are the days, moments, hours, when it is just not there.

I have struggled to understand the concept of being a "being".  If my totality was not tied to what I could contribute, what was I?  What did it mean to just be.  I tried meditation, yoga, therapy, self-examination, retreats, reading self-help books, workshops, seminars, navel gazing, working the 12 steps, talking, writing, and creating.  Still, I had trouble valuing myself for my being.  I could easily see what I had to offer the world in terms of what I could do, but beyond that it became cloudy.

I also wrestled with how to judge my value.  In our society so much value is placed on monetary worth.  People are judged successful by their work, their profession, their earning capacity.  I saw that it was easy for me to value other people for their compassion, generosity, intelligence, humor, singing, artistic ability, carpentry, mechanical skills, knowledge, wisdom, and many other qualities.  I truly don't base my value of others on what they earn or what kind of work they do.  It was only when looking at myself I had that problem.  It is so hard to see qualities in ourselves that we easily see and cherish in others.

Yesterday, I had an amazing revelation.  I was writing a list of things that I was doing for people this week and what skill I had that they valued.  I ended up with a pretty solid list for one week:  organization, editing, writing, planning, feedback, listening, producing, research, scheduling, energy work, and resourcefulness.  I saw for the first time that the things I can do are part of my being.  They don't have to be two separate aspects of me, they are integrated and work together.  I use compassion and kindness when listening.  I use intelligence and deduction when producing or planning. 

It was as if the sun suddenly popped from behind dark clouds.  All the qualities, feelings, and experience I have work with my skills and talents.  I offer all of me when I do something for someone.  I can contribute.  I can see my worth in my totality.  I can value me for my skills, talents, qualities, femininity, experience, feelings, abilities, education, and idiosyncrasies—as one meaningful mystical human being.