Happy Graduation Anniversary

Today is an anniversary for me.  On May 23, 1974 I graduated from High School.  Forty years ago.  I remember how it felt to be 18 and ready to take on the world.  My entire life ambition from 8 to 18 was to graduate and be an adult.  Being a grown up was the epitome of my goal at that point. 

I remember thinking how old my parents were.  They were in their 40s.  And here I am almost 60 and wondering how it all passed so fast.  Looking back over 40 years is an awesome task.  I smile remembering some experiences and shake my head over others.  So many people to remember and thank in my heart.  I learned from each one. 

There are things I wish had not happened, mistakes I made, and choices I had not made.  Of course there are.  Yet, I cannot honestly say anything I would have been able to do differently.  Not based on the knowledge I had at the time.  Hindsight and gained wisdom always lend a "could have" air to events and circumstances. 

I know myself well enough to know I have always made my own choices.  Even when I believed I didn't have a choice, I was making one.  And I have lived with them.  In truth, they made me who I am today and I like who I am today.

I try to remember what dreams that Melissa had at 18.  I know I planned to go to college for library science.  I know I was very angry at my parents because we were moving out of state the morning after graduation.  I know I didn't want to leave.  I venture that most high school graduates are a little scared of the unknown and want to maintain some security or "known" in their lives. 

When I think of what my emotional and spiritual intelligence was at that time and what it is now there is a vast difference.  I have grown in many ways.  Yet, when I think of my introspective nature, my self-doubt, my searching for security and meaning…it is still so much the same. 

I can give you lists of events, experiences, and circumstances that have shaped the course of my life.   The effects show in my visible life, which is the one all of you can see.  They also appear in my invisible life-the subconscious-the spirit-the part of me that drives all the visible.   There are tracks and ripples in my wake that show my actions but not my motivations.

And although I remember my motivations, reasons, and excuses for my choices, they don't always make sense to the me I am today.  I look back over 40 years of life and muse over what I have accomplished.  It doesn't seem like much in the material sense and if I maintain the material is all that matters, I am clearly a failure.

If, however, I examine my entire being and life there are plenty of successes.  I have a loving honest real marriage.  I have someone in my life that loves me unconditionally and who really knows me.  At 18, I was afraid to let anyone see who I really was.  I am responsible for myself and my choices.  I claim them.  I claim my rights, my boundaries, and my space.  I couldn't do that at 18.   

I have used my skills and abilities in many different jobs and vocations.  I know what I am good at and how to best manage my energies.  I have a clear and strong spiritual life.  I care about people in my life—friends, family.  I am open to their love and can show love.  It brings me to tears today to remember what it felt like in my 18 year old heart—the fear and shame were overwhelming. 

I write, create, organize, celebrate, share, minister, educate, and counsel.  I am living a life in recovery-recovering my true self. My life is what I have made it and in many ways what I want.  The goals that elude me are lessons I am still learning.  And I am grateful for the opportunity.  

Best of all, I am alive.  That reality was not evident or assured at all at 18.  The way I lived at that time, in fact, it was in serious doubt.  I wanted to live, but I didn't know how.  Today, I do and I am here now living my life in joy and content.  Happy Anniversary to the North Scott High School class of 74.  Hooray!  We made it, Annie.