Melissa Roth -- Freespeak Blog

I wonder how much of my jaded instantaneous instinct to squelch is learned and how much is a part of my personality.  I so quickly turn to no.  Yet, I feel that as a child I was sunny.  I was bright and wanted to believe in hope and good.  My experiences as a child and the ways of reacting to life I saw as examples in my life were the exact opposite of hope and good.    How much damage did the abuse do?  What did it change or form in me? Was nature part of it – did I pick up skepticism from my parents through DNA?  It is easy to trace some responses in my life directly to what I saw modeled.  Other things I have worked for years to change my reaction to learn a new way.  That is just as important and it might be that it only redirected me back to my natural essence.    I wonder about these things.  And a part of me examines my thoughts and responses to events in life from things as simple as a chance remark overheard t...

 High up in my tree, the turbulent elements of my life far below, I am free.  I look out over the rolling hills and fields lined with houses.  This is my happy place.  I feel safe, protected, and alone.  Sometimes, I settle into the crook of the branch, smile ready to enter a better world and I open my book.   A book always contains a new world to explore.  I can inhabit a world away from the reality of your daily life whatever that looks like.  It is a way to see how others live and experience life, maybe they went through the same thing I did and  handled it differently or maybe they had worse or better home lives.  And when I am reading scifi or fantasy books it is because I want to experience a life completely out of this world.  Mysteries can be comforting because there is always an answer and most of the time the good guy wins.  Biographies and poetry help me know I am not alone.     Sometimes I look ou...

Two years ago I was living a different life. I had friends and an active social life—parties, dinners, gatherings, game nights, theater, and lunches. I was teaching a film and culture class to middle school aged children and loved it. I was active in a jigsaw puzzle exchange and Democratic party politics. I was having planning meetings about the coming 2012 election. I was living in my dream house. I was part of a group that met regularly to discuss our dreams, fears, obstacles, and help each other strategize about our lives.  I was living in a small community that had been home for 26 years. I knew who I was. I was settled and set.   The last 2 years have been almost constant change. Every time I get used to something being a certain way, it changes. I live in a city. I live in an apartment. I don't really have much of a social life. I am not active in politics. I am part of a movie club that I am helping with, but it is not filling a desire for me....

  Last week I was enjoying the beach. I had a very unusual experience   Walking along the beach last week I was able to experience a strong feeling of connection to the sea and by extension the world.   I cannot remember when I felt so present in the moment.   It was glorious.   We watched the sunrise and the sunset.   We walked along the beach, stood at the water, stood in the water, swam, sat, and watched the waves.   Feeling the power of the tide coming in felt like I was connected to Africa and Spain—to the entire global community.     I looked down through the clear water to the sand and thought about all those tiny grains of sand traveling the world.   I felt a relaxation of my muscles in my shoulder and neck, a lack of worries, and absolutely no sense of time passage.   When we would go back to the room, I would be surprised how much time had passed or how little.   I tried to imprint the experience to my...

  I have noticed during this time of sheltering in place that my tendency to have and express free-range opinions has grown.   I cannot stop the running commentary on everything. When the TV is on I find myself pausing to comment or just shouting out at the TV.     I caught myself wanting to comment on friends (and sometimes friends of friends) Facebook posts.   And, no one asked for my opinion.   I had to stop myself and backspace and close the tab.   I get notions all day long to write so and so or call or text or just make an observation.   It is a dangerous habit.   Being observant is a good thing and I have a curious and problem-solving mind.   I like thinking things through to their logical conclusion.   I believe it is important to pay attention to my surroundings and being present.   However, giving unwanted or unsolicited feedback is not what I want to be doing.     I believe that this remarking o...

Have you ever heard someone described as having a chip on their shoulder?   Perhaps it was even you.   I’ve been thinking about that and what we consider a chip.   It’s an attitude—aggrieved, entitled, disgruntled or angry.     I think that the chip was created out of repressed or squelched expression. When you wanted to pursue a particular dream or career and were told that wasn’t doable, that you couldn’t make a living at that, or you wouldn’t succeed.  Or your very personality, sexuality, or life choices were rejected, not good enough, or the person you are won’t fit in.  When you are told to hide who you are and to be less than authentic it creates resentment.     Try to see whatever chip you are carrying on your shoulder as the passion or authentic self that has been repressed and held down.  There are always forces coming from outside and inside of you with these messages, attempting to make you follow a well-traveled path or h...

I was thinking of my list of world rules and checking internally to see if they still apply.   I conduct regular reviews of my beliefs and behaviors to see what is working and what isn’t.   When I got to the golden rule, I had to stop and contemplate how I was using it.   I realized that following the golden rule so rigorously has complicated my relationships with other people.     I treat them the way I want to be treated.  But, because I am an introvert I like to spend time thinking, reflecting and replenishing—alone.  So, I tend not to reach out and make a connection.  I assume that others want alone time which is not true.  I assume they space out social interaction which is also not true.   It also translates to me not sharing much of my life unless asked specifically.  Somehow in my mind that shows up with others as not asking them questions about their lives.  I think of it as being private and respectful.  It h...