Smother the Unease

So he planned a collecting trip. Hoping the way a man will to smother his unease with activity.

--John Steinbeck

I can identify with belief that "doing" can smother the unease. I have spent most of my life trying to smother the unease, avoid discomfort, numb pain. I've thought of it as more the Scarlett O'Hara mode of dealing; I'll think about that later (when I have time). And, of course, there is never time, because I keep busy. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

It is a vague hope that I might keep the craziness in my mind at bay by endless to do lists and tasks. Still, on many days I find myself pursuing that very path. I know that it does not work, I know that all I will do is postpone the inevitable reckoning, and yet, an entrenched habit…a lifetime of running ahead of my fevered thoughts in the desperate belief that I can outrun them, keeps me moving.

Only through wise counsel, self exploration and rigorous honesty have I been able to learn new ways. So, although on many days I see this pattern repeating, there are days where I catch myself and stop. There are even days when I can feel the urge and stop it before it happens. Sometimes it takes sitting on my hands and offering my mind to the stillness. Sometimes I can ask for help, for sanity. Sometimes I actually see the sane way. The impulse, the pattern, the habit, the compulsion remain, and today I choose to see the truth.