Going Toward

We have been looking for a place to move and finally it became clear to me that every time I moved in the past it was with a clear direction and idea about what my life was going to be.  I knew why I was moving and what I was moving to. 

For instance, when I moved from Tonya's house where I was renting a room to my own apartment it was because I was ready to stand on my own two feet.  I wanted to have my own life and be responsible for myself.   The apartment was a clear indicator of the direction my life was taking.  I graduated college and I was ready to have my own place as a professional working woman. 

When we moved from 1021 to 408 it was because we needed more space and we each needed a home office as we each had our own business and work.  We had been sharing an office and it was not conducive to productivity.  So we needed 3 bedrooms to have 2 offices.   It was perfect and let us make the changes in our life we needed over the next 10 years.  In that time I changed the work I was doing, as did my husband.  Our social life changed, and my involvement in community organizations greatly increased. 

So, when we moved to College drive it was to have more space - place to entertain and hold meetings and teach classes and have a home like my Grandmother's where people could come.  A welcoming place.  It was huge and beautiful and perfect again.  We had many parties, phone banking and organization meetings, I held classes in our living room.  I loved it.  We had 3 years there before moving to Austin. 

Moving to Austin was about being in a city and the opportunity to expand the business - to be self-supporting and not just hanging on or traveling constantly.  Well, it has been a year and it turns out to be a bit more of a challenge than we anticipated.  It is taking much longer to establish our credentials, make new connections, network effectively, build clientele, and make friends.

I have spent the last 6 months tirelessly looking for a place to move as this apartment was "temporary" when we moved here last year.  We put half of our stuff in storage when we moved here because it is much smaller than where we lived.  It was supposed to be a stopgap while we acclimated to Austin.

I have been unable to find anything that was in our price range and would give us more space and some of the amenities we are used to and want to have again.  We both would like some trees and green to look at out the window.  We miss the birds and squirrels that shared our breakfast at College Drive.  And that is just one thing.  There is the squeezing through element of maneuvering our apartment on a daily basis.  There is the learning to live in a city.  I could go on, but that is not what this is about. 

We did find one place that seemed perfect.  It was at the top end of our budget and would have taken some effort, and we could have moved in, but was it perfect?  If we wanted the Austin version of College Drive it was.   It would be welcoming, a place to entertain, a place we would be proud to show as our home, private, safe, spacious, a garage, a sprayer, a yard, open floor plan, a landlord that really wanted us, and peaceful.  A place that is home of a successful businessman.  And the thing is - I do want that.  I do. But I don't feel like it is true.  Not that I am not worthy of it, but that it is not true right now. 

We are not there yet.  We are not on any kind of solid ground financially or emotionally.  Things are still in the adjustment stage.   Learning what we want, learning what we can do, expanding our comfort zones, and figuring out who we are, here.  We want to be that successful business and have a great home, but we are not there now.  The image of what we are moving to—what will our life look like, what do we want and need—is not clear. 

We are heading somewhere and I don't know where.  Maybe something different.  It feels premature.  This is not just about me.  It is about both of us.  I want him to grow and be successful and maybe I need to be going in a different direction in my life.  Maybe I am not really content to be the "maintainer". 

My life feels different and the same.  I am in a state of flux.  I am not sure what will come or what can come next.  I have some ideas about what I could do.  I know I want to use my skills somehow –to be useful, have purpose, and be valued for it.  I want meaningful work and I want to be paid for it.

Not much is clear at the moment about my future except that it is not clear.  And that is the reason I couldn't find a place to move.  You have to know what the heck you are moving toward.  It has never worked for me to try and move away from something as my primary motive.  I need to be going toward.  And right now, the toward is a tiny foot path that I can only see about 10 steps in front of me. 

For today, I gaily follow my tiny foot path and just take the next step, trusting that it will become clear if I stay honest.