No Punishment, No Crime

When you grow up in a home environment where punishment is harsh and dished out indiscriminately, you learn to expect punishment from everyone.  Every time someone asks you a question, "Where are you from?", your immediate internal response is 'what is the right answer, why do they want to know'.  The simplest tasks and interactions with others take on gargantuan implications. 

It took me years to understand why I had irrational responses and clutches of fear in my relationships with others.  I had to learn that punishment was not always part of the process, in fact, many questions have no right answer, most people don't expect you to read their minds, most people forgive mistakes, and most people don't think you know everything already. 

I also grew to understand that when people are asking me questions it is because they want to know about me or something I know.  I am aware of why I feel the instant of fear when I make a mistake or forget something. I know where I come from and how that has molded my personality and character.  I see the upsides and the downsides.  Self  knowledge has been vital in helping me to grow.

And all that understanding doesn't make a bit of difference in how I feel.  I still feel the fear, I still have to take a deep breath to answer questions.  I know that there is no punishment, not really, and not from anyone.  It's all internal.  The crazy critical voice I hear in my head is not mine and it's not speaking my truth. 

I know I cannot quiet that voice, but I can dim it.  It gets fainter and shouts out less often now.  I am able to counter it with my voice, my belief in love, forgiveness, acceptance and understanding.  I continue to practice hearing the message of love and understanding and you know what? It gets louder and stronger every day.