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State Your Piece, Be at Peace


"You can tell someone what you want, but you can’t tell anyone what to give."
-Carolyn Hax

I found this statement to be fascinating.  It is truly something I practice in my life, but I hadn't heard it stated in exactly this manner.   It is vitally important for me to state my needs clearly and directly with the people in my life.  The reason I do this is to make it clear to me that I value myself and my own well-being. 

Making clear to myself that I matter and my needs matter is not always an easy thing to do.  It has a tremendous impact on how I present myself in the world and to how much help and service I can offer to others. 

The hardest part about learning to state my boundaries was understanding that it was ONLY about me and not contingent upon how the message was received.  In other words, the person I am talking to doesn't need to listen or do what I ask and often won't. 

My statements are not determined by the outcome, they are determined by my needs.  I know that seems wrong.  I believe it harkens back to childhood lessons about 'fairness'.  It doesn't seem fair that I make a request and it is ignored.  Yet, it is a hallmark of our free society and even of humankind.  If we have free will, if we can make choices in our lives, then we can choose what we do and what we don't. 

The way that works best for me is to state my needs in a way that makes it clear to me and anyone else what I will do, what I won't do, and what I intend to do independent of what anyone else does.  It took some time to practice and become comfortable with declarative statements that didn't require any response.  And it took constant internal and external reinforcement to do so without any response or even negative response.

It is worth all the effort.  I can tell you that it has afforded me the greatest freedom.  I can actually make decisions about what events I attend, causes I give to or get involved in, conversations I engage in, how I spend my energy and time, everything is a choice.  And because everything is a choice, I get to spend some time every day thinking about my choices and really evaluating what are the choices that will give me the most positive results in my life.

I always have a choice and I always have a responsibility to make my choice clear. 

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